How being sad can be part of being happy
We all go through life experiencing moments of real sadness. But how we deal with these feelings is an important part of what makes us happy, as Dr of Happiness Andy Cope explains
Let me pose a question: could you be happier, even if nothing in the world around you changed? Fifteen years ago, my answer was a rock-solid “yes”. In essence I was admitting that nothing needed to change around me – I had the potential to be happier – but I wasn’t.
The next day I was speaking at a conference so I asked the audience, “could you be happier even if nothing in the world around you changed?” and 290 of the 300 heads nodded.
So it wasn’t just me. Nearly everyone is getting in the way of their own happiness. The biggest thing stopping us is us.
Which started me on a PhD journey. I decided to flip traditional psychology on its head.
For a long time, boffins have been focused on mental ill-health. We’re very good at diagnosing psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression and paranoia so we can cure people.
The point being that to pique the interest of the medical and psychological community, you had to be ill first.
Bizarrely, we’ve never studied well people. So flipping the psychological coin, I decided to seek out the handful of people you can think of who are full of energy and smiles.
These are the happiness outliers. The ones who are flourishing. Those weirdos who light up your life with their genuine enthusiasm and zest for life.
Who are they? What are they doing that allows them to feel so amazing? And, most crucially, what can we learn from them that we can put into practice so that we can join them?
Fifteen years later, I’m a Doctor of Happiness. Yes, really!
The findings are clear. The starting point is to understand that happiness isn’t real. It’s not a “thing”. It doesn’t have a shape, mass or form. You don’t buy it from Asda.
Happiness is an emotion; a mental construct. It means there’s only one place that your happiness can ever come from, and that’s your thinking.
Early on in my studies, I realised that happy people live in the same world as I do.
They have the same traffic, weather and work pressures. Mr Trump is also in charge of their world, and Brexit’s happening to them – exactly as it is to me.
So if their external world is the same as mine, it must be their internal world that’s different.
Knowing this helps you think with more clarity, but it doesn’t make you immune from sadness.
So, here’s a prescription that you might not be expecting from a Doctor of Happiness – being sad is an important part of being happy.
It’s OK to have your glow dimmed a bit sometimes. A life of euphoric happiness would be bizarre.
Lows are inevitable. Welcome them. The trick is to let an occasional bad day into your life, show it around, then show it the door.
I appreciate this is easier said than done. You only live once is, of course, a lie.
You only die once. You live every single day, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like that.
There are times when the normal rough and tumble of life becomes a right kicking.
When it comes to pain, you can run but you can’t hide.
It’s not “what happens” but “what happens next?” Sometimes there’s no alternative but to sit down and have a huge sob.
Crying serves a purpose. It lets stuff out. It shows the world you’re hurt. And it’s the start of the repairing process. It’s messy. It’s your safety valve.
We all possess what’s called ordinary magic, homo sapiens’ in-built stress-resilience software package.
Here are a few upgrade tips:
1. PLOT TWIST!
In the story of your life, you are the central character. Everything is told in first person. You are well versed in your own story, telling it to yourself every day.
And don’t we just love a tragedy? If you’re not careful problems loom large and they can dominate your back story.
From now on, when something doesn’t go according to plan it’s not a nightmare, crisis, challenge or problem, it’s merely a plot twist.
Shout it out. Rejoice. All good stories have a plot twist, an unexpected turn of events that nobody saw coming.
Some books have several. Your life is a story. Plot twists are inevitable. They’re there to make things more interesting.
2. LET IT GO
We’ve all been wronged, treated unfairly, dissed, dismissed, abused and upset.
It’s time to let it all go and move on because, guess what? The world has finished with your past if you have.
When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.
Inability to forgive means you are holding on to the past – you are punishing yourself.
Carrying a grievance is like carrying a hand grenade that’s superglued to your hand.
It keeps blowing up in your face. You may well have been hurt in a relationship or had a horrible boss, been bullied at school or been done for speeding twice in two days, but seething about it and carrying a grudge is not healthy.
Ask yourself, who exactly are you hurting with that grudge? Be kind to yourself. Let go. Forgiveness is for you, not them.
3. CELEBRATE STUFF THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN
Have you ever asked yourself, what hasn’t happened that I didn’t want that I haven’t celebrated? Sadly, unless you’re a black belt happiness ninja your mind doesn’t sit in traffic thinking how lucky you are to have a car.
It curses at the late meeting instead of rejoicing that you have a job.
It tuts at the crumbs on the worktop instead of being grateful you’ve got (on the whole) wonderful children.
The opposite of savouring good experiences is to notice the many things that could have gone badly but didn’t.
Hence, what hasn’t happened that you didn’t want that you haven’t celebrated?
I woke up and didn’t have toothache. My children aren’t poorly. I haven’t just stubbed my toe. I looked out of the window and there’s not a zombie apocalypse.
Have a go, it’s fabulous fun. In fact, it’s one of those mental muscles that gets stronger the more you exercise it.
Here are your starters… the accident you didn’t have, the power cut that never happened, the headache you didn’t suffer, the supermarket queue that wasn’t there, the lack of red traffic lights on the way home, the train that wasn’t delayed…
It’s new thinking for new times.
■ Shine: rediscovering your energy, happiness and purpose by Dr Andy Cope and Gavin Oattes is published by Capstone and available now on Amazon at £10.99