‘I didn’t leave my house for months when anxiety and depression took over’
Francesca Bourne, 23, explains how her GP and her love of music transformed her life for the better.
FROM the age of 15 I became volatile emotionally. I was very tearful and suffering panic attacks daily, but I never could identify what it was or whether I should be diagnosed with something.
To everyone else I was a joyful, confident person – a happy-go-lucky girl. Although I did have these personality traits, I was often faced with good and bad days.
I struggled to maintain my college education. At that time I sought help from my GP, but unfortunately the medication increased the symptoms so I decided that medication was not for me at that time.
I was very fortunate that I had strong family support and they recognised what was happening to me, as I felt I was losing my mind. But what I was actually suffering from was anxiety and depression.
Over time the panic attacks eased and I managed to gain control of my life again.
June of 2017 was the breaking point for me. After receiving some bad news, it triggered something, just like flicking a switch.
Within seconds I experienced my first panic attack, quickly after that it began to take over my life.
All the little things I took for granted, like getting on a bus on my own, a simple meal out, even holding down a full-time job, didn’t exist anymore.
I was suffering from daily panic attacks, hot and cold sweats, palpitations, sleep deprivation, breathlessness, severe mood swings, dizziness, confusion, headaches and forgetfulness, which led me into a bubble of fear and distress that made me struggle to see the good again.
I hibernated from my family and friends for months on end because of the fright of being surrounded by noise and movement – that would also trigger panic and anxiety attacks.
The thought of being questioned about what I was going through, or what I was feeling when I didn’t even know myself, filled me with fear. So I thought the best way to deal with it was to avoid being in that situation, which led to isolation. The only place I felt safe was in my bedroom, which I made my safe haven.
I also thought people would genuinely think I was insane or not normal if I couldn’t control an attack in their presence.
I couldn’t plan anything and feared letting people down, so again I thought I could avoid planning anything forever.
I am extremely fortunate because I have an amazing GP who has helped me tremendously in my battle with depression and anxiety.
It is a lot of trial and error with medication and doctors’ appointments trying to find the right medication and the right dosage.
Of course the medication can really upset the balance before evening you out, but I knew I had to face these things in order to get better and realised that there is no quick fix.
It doesn’t matter about age, sex, lifestyle, area or background – if it is underlying, anxiety and depression will find its way.
I didn’t leave home for over seven months, not even to the shop a few streets away.
I would often try to leave home but I wouldn’t get further than the end of the street before turning back in the direction of home. The thought of leaving my room filled me with fear.
In my teenage years I had a passion for music and writing down how I felt in a song, and I was writing songs more than ever before, but that was as far as it went.
I didn’t perform, record or produce for seven months. Little did I know that was the biggest mistake I could have made.
I bet you’re wondering what got me out of this episode and how I got to where I am.
Well, one day a friend called me and said he needed me to write a verse for his last song before completing his album.
After all of the fear, panic and angst, something told me I could do it.
Recording that track was exactly what I needed, because from that day on I started to progress.
I left the studio that day with the biggest smile on my face. It was overwhelming; the element of achievement I felt – because there were days or even weeks where I thought I wouldn’t be able to pursue my music career again.
So after that came the days out to the studio and putting all my time into my music, really venting and channelling my emotion.
I felt a tremendous amount of release. Music became my therapy on a day-to-day basis.
I wrote and released songs based on mental health which made a massive impact on others.
I had countless messages and comments online and thousands upon thousands of views. It was at this point that I thought I was making a difference and I had to let people know how I was feeling.
You are not alone and it’s okay not to be okay. I have this gift where I can write through my love of music and connect with people through my songs.
Also on the flip side, I had the knowledge and understanding of how it feels every day living in a severely dark and depressive state.
So I put these two things together to inspire and encourage others. I turned the negative into something positive.
I am now starting university in September, doing a music technology degree in order to make music my professional career rather than a hobby as it once was before I started to suffer.
Not only is it helping others, but it’s massively helping me too. Music has changed my life and I think it is fair to say it has saved my life in many ways, too.
If I have learned anything through my journey battling depression and anxiety, I’ve learnt that it never leaves. But you learn how to manage it. Not every day is a good day, and that’s okay.
If there are days where you feel you want to stay home, that’s alright, too.
If there are days where you can’t do something, there is always tomorrow. Go with what your body and mind feels, and let it guide you to things you might not think you can do.