Testing time for adoptive fathers as son, four, needs reassurance
Everyone has been affected by the lockdown, but adopted children and their families could be at increased risk of damaging disruption. Marcus Hughes found out how they are coping
BEN and his husband, Adam, live in south-east Wales with their four-year-old son, Sam, whose name has been changed to protect his identity.
“Me and my partner met later in life, I guess, in our forties,” Ben, 51, said.
“Like a lot of gay men of our generation, perhaps, through our twenties and thirties parenthood wasn’t necessarily on the cards. Legally we wouldn’t have been able to adopt children.
“I think for a lot of gay men of our generation, it’s changed now a lot and that’s great, but perhaps for men of our age and older because it wasn’t really an option it was never really on our horizon.
“I think that has shifted and changed massively. You meet a lot of younger guys now who talk about marriage and family like everyone else does, which is how it should be.”
The National Adoption Service aims to make the process of adoption as straightforward as possible, but it can be a challenging route for parents.
Same-sex couples in the UK have had the right to adopt since 2002, after the Adoption of Children Act passed through Parliament.
According to family court statistics, adoption orders by same-sex couples represented 12% of all adoptions in England and Wales in 2018 to 2019.
Ben said he and Adam had to quickly adapt to the practicalities of having a two-year-old son, while beginning the process of bonding with their new family member.
“I think it was a challenge,” he said.
“Having a two-year-old at that stage in our lives when we had been used to an adult existence that didn’t involve parenting, of course all those things went towards making it quite a shock to the system.
“But he’s an absolute joy. It’s hard work and he’s a complex little thing. He does seem to charm the majority of people who he meets.
“He has the sweetest nature as a child, really. He’s fun. He makes me and my partner laugh at times in a way that I think I haven’t laughed like that for years.
“When you’re having a really hard time, and it massively tests your relationship, it really helps to remember that.”
Ben said his son is particularly vulnerable to feelings of anxiety during times of change, which has meant coronavirus lockdown measures have been difficult for him.
At first their son didn’t understand the lockdown situation. His behaviour regressed and he became increasingly anxious, asking if he’d been “a good boy” or whether he’d done anything “wrong”.
Ben believes that given their often turbulent beginnings, adopted children are especially vulnerable to feeling distressed during uncertain times.
“He regressed. He had accidents. He had disturbed sleep, getting up in the middle of the night,” Ben said.
“He would ask if he had done anything wrong or if he was a good boy.
“He settled. He asks more considered questions now, like ‘when is it going to go?’ And ‘when can I go back to school and when can I see my friends?’”
Although the adoption process presented challenges, Ben said both he and his husband were motivated by the thought that a child in need of a home would become part of their family.
“We met him and he is the right child,” he said. “He is our son.
“That’s quite amazing really and that’s another real positive story. I don’t want to sugarcoat it because it’s not. Children often come from really chaotic, disrupted, unstable, scary often, backgrounds, and that’s not shiny or rosy at all.
“But you have to believe your child is out there, and that does keep you going through the process, I think.”
A spokesman for the National Adoption Service said: “The National Adoption Service is still delivering its services for anyone about to start or already on their adoption journey, via phone, email or video calling where appropriate to do so. If you are interested in adoption and would like more information, visit adoptcymru.com.”