GUILT-FREEGUILT FREE HOLIDAY PARENTING
As the summer holidays get under way, wellbeing specialist Lianne Weaver offers advice on how to avoid it becoming a ‘guilt trap’ for parents...
IT’S the start of the school summer holidays – and after a disrupted and trying year, many parents might be approaching the next six or seven weeks with trepidation.
Some may be feeling guilty about not being able to spend the whole time with their children because of work.
Or some may be feeling guilty about not being able to afford a holiday or day-trips.
Parents are no strangers to guilt – it seems to come along with the territory. But the prospect of the long summer break might be bringing guilt very much to the surface for many.
So what is guilt? Well, guilt is an emotion, and when it comes to parenting, guilt arises because something in our brain tells us that we are failing to be the best we could be for our children.
For most of us guilt is actually a sign of how much we love our children, and how much we care.
Guilt really is a very normal emotion, and is basically a warning sign that we need a nudge in the right direction.
It can actually prompt us to make corrective decisions to put right something that we feel is going wrong.
That’s fine if we’re feeling guilty for shouting on a single occasion, for instance.
We can respond to the guilt by apologising and acknowledging to our child that our reaction wasn’t ideal.
But if guilt becomes chronic – if we are feeling guilty about something connected to our parenting most of the time – then it’s no longer about a specific act or incident.
Feeling guilt throughout your entire day can be incredibly damaging.
Guilt can impact on our emotional health, confidence, self-belief and resilience.
Some of the most common reasons for parents feeling guilty are:
■ Balancing being a parent with working;
■ Your child’s behaviour;
■ The food you give your child; and
■ The amount of screen time you allow your child.
One of the key things to remember is that, as parents, we very often set ourselves unreasonably high expectations.
We are our own worst critics, judging ourselves far more harshly than we would judge a friend in the same situation.
We assume that everyone else is parenting better than us.
Yet the truth is that every single parent you meet is winging it.
Every parent you have ever known – even if they’ve written books on it, even if they’re an influencer, even if they’re on social media, sharing amazing experiences with their kids – they are all winging it.
Every parent of every older generation got through by winging it.
No-one has taught us how to be a parent. So we can never live up to unrealistic expectations. If you can accept that, you can lower the pressure on yourself and help reduce your feelings of guilt.
If you’re battling parental guilt, there are some tools and techniques you can use to manage that guilt and stop it dominating your relationships:
1. Be realistic about what you’re capable of and what you’re in control of.
You can absolutely support your child’s interests and encourage them to be their best version of themselves.
But you can’t control their future. Acknowledging this can help you be realistic about what your child needs from you.
2. We all fall into the trap of “compare and despair” – but it’s toxic, and in today’s world it’s easy for it to get out of control.
Thanks to social media, not only do we get to compare ourselves to our friends and family members, but we see details of the lives of celebrities and others outside our social circle.
It can be easy to feel that they are “doing parenting” better than us.
But what we are actually seeing is a snapshot of their lives.
So remind yourself of that, and ask yourself what it is about this person or their lifestyle that is triggering your guilt.
For instance, if you have a friend who constantly posts about going on wonderful trips with their family, then that might be a sign that you want your family to have a few more adventures.
It might be a cue to arrange something fun for your next day off together.
3. Forgive yourself for things that
have made you feel “repeated guilt”.
Imagine that you feel guilty about having to work during the school holidays. You might feel that you aren’t spending enough time with your child – and this triggers guilt.
Now consider the good that comes of that situation as well.
Working might mean that you can afford a holiday, day-trips, or small treats for your child.
Remind yourself that, while working during the holidays has clear drawbacks for you, it does bring certain benefits for your family too.
And be honest with your family – including your children – about this.
Explain that you need to work, explain the downsides and the benefits, and how it makes you feel.
4. Be kind to yourself.
It isn’t selfish to take time out to look after yourself and to relieve your stress, whether that’s by going for a walk, doing some exercise, meditation and so on.
In fact, it’s the best thing you can do for your children, because if you are feeling calm they will get the best version of you.
Lianne Weaver is the founder of Newport-based Beam Development and Training, whose purpose is to help employers and employees take responsibility for their wellbeing