On Saturday If you thought lockdown was confusing...

‘DON’T call police if you see your neighbour using a hosepipe!’ It’s the kind of headline that sounds like a joke. But remember that we are in the 2020s – the decade when the world went totally bonkers.

We may have moved on from 2020’s lockdown rules but they have left us conditioned to accepting bizarre restraints on our freedom. Being permitted to shower several cans of water on our roses, but not via a hosepipe, is just another one of those.

There hasn’t been a need for a hosepipe ban since the 1970s and our summers and winters seem to have got wetter every year since. Yet we still haven’t worked out how to store sufficient water to cover a dry spell. Yes it’s unprecedented but we’ve been talking about climate change for a very long time and other countries, with much less rain, manage to maintain adequate water supplies.

Of course we will all accept drought restrictions with a good old British stoicism. We won’t question how the lawns at Chequers are remaining so green, in just the same way we didn’t really expect the Prime Minister to be throwing lockdown parties.

But, really, who in their right mind thinks the police have time to respond to reports of those ignoring the hosepipe ban?

Or do they? Remember those two poor women going for a walk with their cups of coffee during lockdown who were both issued with fines for illegal socialising? And what of the

other 117,212 fixed penalty notices for breaches of Covid-19 restrictions issued by police in England and Wales between March 2020 and June 2021?

While many of these were for blatant abuse of the rules, such as large gatherings and failing to quarantine on arrival from a red-list country, the vast majority were for the far lesser crime of not wearing face coverings on public transport or in shops and many more were issued to businesses that didn’t meet the hospitality rules, such as the rule of six, no singing or dancing and only allowing table service.

Most of these fines would have been imposed on those who could easily be spotted breaking the rules – or who perhaps were reported by their neighbours.

Which takes me back to the hosepipe ban and whether, as good citizens, we should be reporting our neighbours to someone in authority? It also begs the question why the police, while happy to get involved in laws to protect public health during the pandemic, aren’t happy to get involved in laws to protect public health in the event we run out of drinking and bathing water.

If caught, hosepipe ban-breakers can face big fines. Each water company sets its own terms and conditions regarding prosecution, but if your company imposes a fine, you will be issued with a summons to go to the magistrates’ court. If they are successful in proving you have broken the ban, you could be fined up to £1,000.

But before you consider dobbing in your neighbours, remember that just like the lockdown rules, it isn’t all that simple. Certain businesses and people are exempt. These include businesses like car washes and garden centres, which need water in hosepipes in order to operate normally.

Households using a hose for ‘health and safety reasons’ also won’t be fined. Blue badge holders are exempt from the rules.

And so are gardeners using approved drip or trickle irrigation systems that are fitted with pressure reducing valves.

And, of course, some areas of a water company’s patch have also been spared from the restrictions.

Maybe the Covid lockdown rules were confusing but, compared to the hosepipe horror, they were clear as day and night.

As good citizens, should we be reporting our neighbours to someone in authority?

Would this grass sprinkler be banned under a hosepipe ban? Your guess is as good as mine