Western Morning News (Saturday)
On Saturday We all count cost of councils’ fear of litigation
IF you’re thinking of going out and buying fruit trees this weekend, be very careful. It could be the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done. Apples, it seems, could be the new weapons of mass destruction – especially if you take the advice of Great Yarmouth’s city council.
Why? Well, 300 years after writer Daniel Defoe described Great Yarmouth’s quayside as “the finest key [sic] in England if not Europe, not inferior even to that of Marseilles” the local council have a plan to restore the quay to its former glory and it’s not one that will bear fruit.
It had been suggested that fruit trees be planted, as they have been on other roads in the town. A budget of £40,000 has been given to replenish an avenue of trees that had failed to thrive. The idea of planting fruit trees has been turned down.
The reason? Because the council had received advice that “fruit such as plums and apples could be used as missiles and thrown at tourists or residents”. Well we all know that death by flying plums is a regular occurrence and casualty beds are always full of people felled by a rogue Granny Smith.
Just think. If Lincolnshire council had been in existence in the days when Sir Isaac Newton lived there we might have taken much longer to discover gravity. It was when Sir Isaac took his life in his hands to sit under an apple tree that he noticed an apple falling from a tree. Clearly he had a near miss, and having recovered from the death defying shock was able to go on and change the world by his observations.
So in order to keep the good people of Great Yarmouth safe, bigger fruit trees are to be placed in a walled garden, away from the pesky public. The fact that scrumpers will probably break their arm scaling the walls is by the by.
Instead, ornamental cherry trees “with very small fruit” will be planted. Hang about. A proficient pea shooter could substitute cherry stones and take out an eye. History is littered with such injuries. What about spitting cherry stones? A wonderful childhood game. Just think of the disease the spit will spread. People will be dropping down dead in the street as a sloop of saliva hits them. Cherry stones will be the delight of toddlers who’ll shove them up their nose or in their ear. And as they shed their fruit, it’ll be like walking on Brighton beach as they roll under foot. But we must take comfort that the council has our safety at heart – as one spokesman said “we want to make sure that we choose the right trees and that includes the potential for anti-social behaviour”
So the planting of trees has taken up much of the good burgers time in Great Yarmouth. The town was admired by another great writer, Charles Dickens who described it as “the finest place in the universe” in his book David Copperfield. He wrote it at the Royal Hotel on the town’s Marine Parade. Amazing he survived really, given the history of fruit trees in the area in those times.
Today’s decisions confound the local residents. As one pointed out “Surely the council has more important things to debate? The economy’s in a state, people are worried about how they’re going to make ends meet this winter, and the council is discussing the size of plums”.
Well I guess the avoidance of inevitable fatalities caused by larger fruit trees will be a relief to those who run the churchyards if they’re following the guidelines of a North Yorkshire council. The cemeteries of Scarborough will no doubt be emptier if they follow Great Yarmouth’s advice.
In Scarborough, headstones, often a little over knee height – at about 18 inches high – have been regarded as dangerous. Council workers have been giving the stones a “topple test” much to the disgust of relatives of the deceased. Over 50,000 have so far been taken down, uprooted and laid flat on the ground. Even plaques appear to have been wrenched away and understandably people are furious as they’re now being charged to re-erect the stones or have memorials re-carved.
Churchyards have always been a bit dodgy. Soil erosion means that headstones often tilt after time. But churchyards aren’t the busiest of places, nor are they an area that you’d plan a relay race – they’re places that you tiptoe round, reading the inscriptions on the stone and the history that the text depicts. Leaning on headstones is something few people would do and surely an 18-inch headstone is only likely to be a real risk if you’re a garden gnome?
It’s a crazy litiginous world that has caused both these daffy council decisions. I can’t imagine the cost such safety checks run up. Surely it’s better to spend the money opening up the public loos or filling the ankle-twisting potholes in the roads than worrying about the odd stray apple or loose headstone.
One thing’s for sure. Councils certainly know how to spend our money.
Surely it’s better to spend the money opening up public loos or filling the ankle-twisting potholes in the roads than worrying about the odd stray apple