When children’s TV had a coven at Christmas

FOR ME, Christmas doesn’t start until I’ve enjoyed a children’s programme where the plot revolves around disrupting a coven trying to kill a teenager in a midnight ceremony.

The leader is dressed as a goat, and has a very scary knife, and her henchmen like dancing round in a circle chanting the name of their deity.

They don’t make them like that any more. Of course, those of you that have read my nonsense before (sorry) will know that I have more than a slight affection for the television adventure in space and time that is Doctor Who.

And in 1981, for one night only, all my Christmasses came at once.

Doctor Who’s faithful sidekick, the tin dog and smug supercomputer, K9 had his very own festive special. And it really was about the black arts and also the PH of soil.

They really don’t make them like that any more. Many, many moons ago, I was a TV critic. It was a job I thoroughly enjoyed – after all, who doesn’t like watching the idiot’s lantern and then telling people what you thought about it? Gogglebox has been a smash hit for years based on that formula.

There’s only so many times you can say telly was better in the olden days and not get bored.

It’s something that always springs to mind when the Christmas Radio Times comes out. It now costs an arm and a leg, and features none of the charm that made the 70s and 80s double issues legendary. No big tableau of the sitcom stars getting together for a festive knees up.

But then there’s no chance of the newsreaders popping up on the 21st century version of the Morecambe and Wise show, ready to do a song and dance number when you least expect it. And the nation needs to know whether Huw Edwards can do high kicks as well as Angela Rippon.

This year’s Christmas Day line-up is identical to last year’s for both BBC One and ITV. Only a few times have changed. ITV long ago gave up on the festive schedules, year-in, year-out it’s now extralong episodes of Emmerdale Farm and Coronation Street. As a ‘special treat’ it is frankly taking the proverbial.

Auntie is similarly stuck in a rut of Strictly / Call The Midwife / EastEnders / Mrs Brown.

Head back to the 70s, the 80s and the 90s, and there is a smorgasbord of treats, be it movie-length laughter-packed sitcom specials, a new series of the motorbike assault course Kick Start, special tinsel-strewn editions of Tomorrow’s World and Parkinson’s chat show. Chas and Dave used to hold a knees-up in a mockney pub. Game shows gave the prizes to children’s hospitals, even if the contestants didn’t do very well.

Then there was the children’s BBC beano, the All-Star Record Breakers, where our favourites from shows like Blue Peter and Screen Test would do a variety turn. Dedication, that’s what you need.

This year’s schedules are a paucity. Then again, what would a festive episode of Squid Game or Succession look like? Can you just imagine them cracking jokes and wearing crowns from crackers? And not everything was great in the old days. Which brings me back to K9 and Company. It was an attempt at a spin-off series Sarah Jane Smith and K9 in one great detective show.

For some reason, they decided to set it in rural Rhubarbshire, and it sees K9 and Sarah Jane investigate said coven. The membership included half the village including the policeman and the local newspaper editor. Broadcast at teatime 40 years ago this Christmas, it was a different time.

We’ll watch it again, as we always do, on Christmas Eve. I’ll forget whodunit, I’ll hoot the bad acting that snuck in, and I’ll cheer when K9 sings We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

What could be more festive than that?