I want to be a Loony

I would love to stand as the Raving Loony candidate for Wokingham in the general election (page 4 of today’s edition) but unfortunately I’m not a party member.

My common-sense manifesto would be:

■ Use the hot air emissions from all local and national politicians to fuel the country’s power stations, tapping in to an unlimited source of free energy.

■ Instead of repairing potholes, excavate all the tarmac between them, to produce a level road surface, only lower.

■ A firm and binding commitment to build up to one affordable home in the borough over the lifetime of the next parliament.

■ Sell Shute End and accommodate council staff in local schools, libraries, wheelie bins and... (hang on, I might have nicked that idea from someone else).

■ In a gesture of magnanimity, recommend my defeated predecessor as honorary life-president of the Low Pay Unit or War on Want.

■ Fine parents for sending their children to school, but only during term-time.

■ Double the salary, expenses and holidays for MPs.

■ Pass legislation compelling dog-owners to make their pooches defecate only in streams and rivers, thus keeping paths clean and making better use of these open sewers.

■ Talking of dumping turds, remind people that they will have the opportunity to do exactly that at election time.

■ Award the current Duke of Edinburgh more medals for his outstanding military service.

■ Force Tory councillors to take a polygraph test whenever they open their traps. Wait, it would be a sad day indeed for democracy if only one party was prevented from misrepresenting stuff so, to address this, the policy would be accompanied by free hankies to dry any tears.

■ Urge farmers up and down the land to moan a bit more about everything, please.

I’m confident it’s a winning ticket and, if elected, I promise to change politics forever by putting my own interests ahead of everyone else’s, working 364 days a year doing so.

But I might have read something a bit like that somewhere else too (page 14). ‘Dickie Scratcher’, via email Your editor is a member of the Monster Raving Loony party