our journey to be a family Why we did it this way
Changes in science and society mean women can start families in a lot of different ways – we meet the new modern mums
Today’s families are more diverse than they’ve ever been. Sperm, egg and embryo donation, surrogacy and adoption means that you can have a child as a solo parent or a same-sex couple. As Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson settles in to life as mother to baby son Finn after successful
IVF treatment with her partner Jen, woman&home talks to mothers who have formed their families in ways we couldn’t have imagined – and that wouldn’t have been possible
– just a few generations ago.
Nicola Mole began fertility treatment with her husband but when their marriage broke down, she carried on alone. in January 2018, she became mother to Rebecca using a donor embryo. Now 43, Nicola, an insurance broker, lives in Southampton.
I married at 29 after a whirlwind romance and we started trying for a baby straight away. It was absolutely what I’d always wanted. I’m very close to my mum – we have a very strong bond and that’s what I wanted with my own child.
When nothing happened after a year of trying, we went through all the stages, starting with diet, supplements, acupuncture, then three cycles of IuI (the direct insemination of sperm into the uterus), which didn’t work. then I was diagnosed with endometriosis, which was removed with surgery. three cycles of IVF followed.
after seven years, our marriage broke down. there were lots of reasons – he was very traditional and expected me to be at home cooking dinner. If I’m honest, my wish for a baby did put pressure on us. My husband had a child already and it was always me pushing forward with treatment. He wasn’t particularly behind it.
I took a three-year break from fertility treatment – I needed to save up some money, but there was no doubt in my mind about carrying on. People used to ask if I was scared of doing it alone but what scared me was the thought I’d never be a mother. I never ever felt like giving up. My mum was with me every step of the way and when something failed, she’d say, “Right – what’s next?”
at 40, with time running out, I went to the Wessex Fertility clinic. after two unsuccessful IVFs using donor sperm, my doctor told me my eggs were letting me down. My best chance was a donor embryo. that meant the baby wouldn’t have a biological link, but to me, it’s not about “biology”. What matters is the person that brings you up and loves you.
I went to a spanish clinic for the transfer because in spain, donors are anonymous. you’re matched on colouring and there’s no chance of you contacting the donors or them knocking on your door in the future. I didn’t want anyone else involved. When I found out that finally, after 11 years of trying, I was pregnant,
I was over the moon!
Rebecca is everything I’ve ever wanted. I feel like my life was on hold until she was born. In terms of meeting someone else, “never say never”, but being alone doesn’t seem a disadvantage. My dad left when I was two and, although I remained close to him, my mum did a brilliant job raising me. all my time goes to Rebecca, I can make all the decisions about what’s best for her – and Mum lives nearby. she helps a lot. I’m returning to full-time work soon and Mum will look after her. as Rebecca gets older, I’ll be totally honest about how I had her and don’t expect it to be a problem. In this day and age, there are all sorts of families. >>
“as rebecca gets older, i’ll be totally honest about how i had her” “What scared me Was the thought i’d never be a mother”
Faye Davis-Carrau, 42, and Donna, 50, used a donor to have ethan, eight, and Megan, four. They both work for the Met Police and live in Farnborough.
Faye says: From about the age of 15, I remember thinking that having a baby would be a problem for me. I knew I wanted to be a mum, but also knew I was gay and there were no role models to look to. the only gay women I knew were Martina Navratilova and Ellen DeGeneres! No one was presenting as a big happy family. I didn’t know how I was going to do it or if it was morally wrong. It’s hard to describe how different things were. I’d wanted to be a teacher but was told gay people couldn’t be around children.
Donna and I met through work when I was 31 – and I raised the subject early. Donna hadn’t felt an urgent need for kids, but she was happy for us to do it together.
We started looking at the options. this was 12 years ago and it was nowhere near as common as it is now. I still had no gay friends with children. We explored adoption, but there seemed to be so many hurdles. I also asked some gay male friends if they’d consider being a donor, but they were worried that the relationship with any child might get complicated.
Instead, we used an anonymous donor through a london clinic. you don’t have much information on who he is beyond basic things. ours was an engineer.
We always knew I’d be the one who’d carry the child. the insemination at the clinic is what it is – very “clinical”. luckily, I became pregnant first time. I wanted to be married before our baby was born, so Donna and I had a civil partnership while I was pregnant.
all our close friends and family were overwhelmingly supportive. there were a few people – including gay people – who made it clear that as gay women, they didn’t think we should have children. that hurt.
Having Ethan was wonderful. I took 14 months off work and Donna was home for the first two months. I became friends with a group of new mums who all accepted me. Quite a lot joked that they wished they had a woman at home! Donna and I do everything together – the childcare, cooking, housework. It’s a real partnership.
I’d always wanted two children – and I wanted a girl – so having Megan the same way four years later made our family complete.
We don’t know any other gay families close by. one mum at the school told me she’d never met a gay person before! she’s lovely and our children are friends, but it shows how different this is to living somewhere like london. Donna and I joined the Pta and I also became a governor, as we wanted everyone to get to know us and rid themselves of any preconceptions. Everyone knows we’re dedicated to our children.
the children call me “Mummy” and Donna “Mum”. We made a story book for them on Photobox that explains how Donna and I couldn’t have babies as we had lots of eggs but no seeds – so a really kind man called a “donor” said we could have his.
We belong to some gay parenting organisations that have meet-ups so the children can spend time with families like ours. seeing women like Ruth Davidson start a family with her female partner is amazing. someone so well respected, out and proud, makes it easier for everyone else, including our children.
I just love it when we’re out and about, and people look at the four of us and just get that we’re a family. I feel so lucky. DONNa says: When Faye was pregnant I did worry about my role and whether I’d bond with the baby, but I shouldn’t have. I’ll never forget that flood of love when your child is born – I’d heard about it but didn’t think it was possible. Faye had a difficult labour, so I gave Ethan his first feed and all his night feeds for the first six weeks.
sometimes people ask if the children are adopted, or how we had them or who carried them. the questions don’t bother us. We’re just two loving parents and we make a good family. >>
“I DIDN’T KNOW HOW I WAS GOING TO DO IT OR IF IT WAS MORALLY WRONG” “the children call me ‘mummy’ and donna ‘mum’ ”
when ali Maclaine found herself single at 40, freezing her eggs was an “insurance policy” for the future. that decision enabled her to become a solo mum seven years later. now 52, ali is full-time mum to twins Molly and Monty, five. they live in east london.
I always thought I’d be a mum but at 40, I came out of a relationship with someone who wasn’t ready for children. It was a difficult time and I remember thinking, “He’s not going to take my future away.”
that was 2007, when egg freezing was in its infancy. I’d read about it and cut out the article. then I went along to the bridge Centre, the first uK clinic to offer it. they stressed that this would only give me the “possibility” of having a child – not a “probability”. success rates for frozen embryos were better than for frozen eggs, so it was suggested I create embryos instead, using my eggs and donor sperm. I wasn’t ready for that. I still hoped I’d meet someone.
the process was straightforward – the stimulation injections made my ovaries feel very heavy which isn’t surprising as 27 eggs were harvested! I was very open about it and people were intrigued. a couple of girlfriends went and got their eggs frozen too. It felt empowering. I was doing something to take back control.
years passed and I didn’t meet a man I connected with. I always hoped it would be next week, or next year. I did some online dating and friends hooked me up on dates. I suppose I was looking not just for a partner, but also a potential father, and that makes it harder. on the other hand, having my eggs frozen stopped me from rushing into something with the wrong man. there was always the option of doing this alone.
at 46, I had to make a decision, as I didn’t want to be too old to manage a pregnancy. there are lots of different sperm banks. With the american ones, you get photos of donors and they write essays about themselves. I ended up judging their writing and found it overwhelming. Instead, I used a uK sperm bank where you only know the basics, like height, colouring, interests, job. I looked for similar physical characteristics to my family and someone
I felt I’d want to be friends with if we met in real life. the donor liked nature, composing and the environment.
the clinic thawed and fertilised nine eggs but only two embryos survived and both had chromosomal abnormalities that were incompatible with life. that really shook me. I’d taken so long to make such a big decision and now it seemed it wasn’t going to be possible at all. they then tried with all the rest. only three survived so all were transferred. I was amazed when it resulted in twins.
the prospect of parenting alone was daunting but I’m very lucky. When the kids were first born, I moved back into my parents’ home, at first temporarily. Instead, we ended up staying and extending the house – and my sister moved here too with her son, who’s now 18. We live in a busy extended family with so much love and support. the kids love it.
my children are my complete world. they’ve brought me such joy. I showed them a book from the Donor Conception network about frozen eggs, so they’ve known the story from year dot. my daughter has started asking more questions, so I got out the piece of paper about the donor and we read it together. We talk about what a kind man he was to help mummy and they know that under current law, they have the option of meeting him when they’re 18. I don’t know if they’ll want to but I hope so. I’d love to meet him – just to say thank you. w&h
“My children are My coMplete world – they’ve brought Me joy” “i got out the piece of paper about the donor and we read it together”