‘My idea of happiness has changed’
These days, happiness is a subject for research as well as a state of mind. Veronica Henry shares her sources of contentment over the years
When I was a little girl, my idea of happiness was books and baking. A day spent making a cake followed by curling up with Louisa May Alcott or Laura Ingalls Wilder was perfection. I was quiet and shy, not particularly physical or adventurous, so I liked to stay in my comfort zone.
As I grew up I became more outgoing and daring. In my twenties and early thirties, I strove for career success, a big house, the latest clothes, a flashy car. I was working in television as a script editor, I had drive and ambition, and it did make me happy to achieve and acquire. I’m not ashamed of it. It was the 80s after all!
Because I was working long, unsociable hours I took up riding – another childhood passion – to relieve the stress. One afternoon I discovered that my favourite riding school horse was for sale. On impulse, I bought him! Marmalade brought me hours of contentment, grooming him and polishing his tack, and trotting around the lanes – time to think, time to be myself.
It was the perfect contrast to the demands of scripts and actors and producers.
And maybe looking after Marmalade was preparation for becoming a mother. I was on a fast-track career path with lots of opportunities, but I knew I wanted to start a family too, so I took a big risk and left my job to become a scriptwriter. If I hadn’t left then I would have gone up another rung on the career ladder and it would have been more difficult to make the switch. I trusted my gut because I knew deep down babies were more important than Baftas. It took courage but
I knew I had to be true to myself. >>
Unlike many women, i loved being pregnant. i felt as if i was doing something constructive without having to do very much. somehow expecting a baby relieves you from some of life’s pressures. you don’t have to look like a supermodel and if you don’t want to do something you have the perfect excuse. i felt at one with the world.
i can remember once experiencing a state of perfect happiness. i’d just given birth to my third son – a safe caesarean delivery, whereas the previous two had been traumatic. i was tucked up in my hospital bed watching television. my baby was feeding contentedly (a miracle!). my older two had been in earlier to meet their baby brother. i felt a sense of euphoria – my family was complete, everyone was safe, i was in control. i’ve never felt like that before or since.
everything changes when you have children. From the moment they come into the world, your happiness is centred around theirs. there is a saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, and it’s true. if one of your children is struggling or going through a difficult time, it’s impossible to find joy in anything else that you do until they are out of the woods. you carry their disquiet around with you. conversely, the joy you find in their successes and achievements is second to none as they pass their milestones.
Just after i was 50, i dealt with divorce, the death of my father and the menopause in quick succession. i was no longer a wife or a daughter to my dad, and compounding this, my role as a mother was eroding as my nest gradually emptied. What followed was a period of grief and bewilderment where nothing made me happy. i was numb. everything was grey. how much of this was due to circumstance and how much was hormonal i can’t measure, but it was grim.
Gradually i rebuilt myself, with the help of family, friends and a brilliant life coach who taught me how to look at my core values and identify the things that made me who i am, what i am, why i am. as little glimmers of happiness began to emerge, i also became more confident, and identified areas in my life that were holding me back.
the most important thing i learned was to step away from people who were “drains” and surround myself with “radiators”. Not a ruthless culling, but more of a recalibration. i also got a dog – a feisty miniature schnauzer called Zelda. she’s fantastic company and it’s uplifting to have someone who is always ecstatic to see you. plus, she makes sure i get outside for some exercise and fresh air every day, which is vital for keeping my mood elevated.
kindness, creativity and calm are the triumvirate of happiness for me now. i love poring over a Farrow & Ball chart, deciding what colour to paint the inside of an old cabinet, or leafing through my cookery books for the perfect cassoulet recipe. music is important to me too. i started to learn the cello, and though i wouldn’t want to subject anyone else to my playing yet, passing Grade one felt like a massive achievement.
i’m definitely at my happiest when i have my three boys around me. it doesn’t happen so often nowadays but last summer we spent a week in Biarritz – watching the three of them horsing about in the pool, then sitting around while the eldest cooked sizzling prawns on the plancha, i felt complete and content. i guess that’s motherhood for you!
Recently i made a croquembouche for my mother’s birthday. i had all my family around me, as we had all gathered to celebrate. the towering mound of profiteroles, cream, sugared almonds, flower petals and sparklers gave me a huge sense of satisfaction as i brought it to the table. it was over the top and silly and filled with love. that croquembouche was happiness.
“i can remember once experiencing a state of perfect happiness”