‘I began to wonder if he just didn’t fancy me’

Robert would get an erection, usually very easily, and he could sustain it for a long time as we touched each other intimately, or had oral sex.

For me, these are very much a prelude to “actual” sex. Yet the moment it came to full sex, his erection would go limp.

I wondered if he felt insecure in some way, so I made efforts to praise him and remark when he looked nice. There was no change. I started to worry – it had been six months.

People say penetrative sex isn’t always vital to enjoyment, but somehow without it things didn’t feel complete for me. I wanted to feel joined, united, in the way that only full sex can do.

I tried to talk to him about it but his discomfort was excruciating. There was still a strong attraction between us, so I assumed we would be OK.

I began to wonder if Robert liked me, but just didn’t fancy me – I was conscious of being a bit overweight. One evening I became tearful and told him my fears. Robert said of course he fancied me, but offered no explanation as to why he couldn’t make love to me. He shrugged his shoulders, said, “I just don’t know,” and squirmed with embarrassment.

I didn’t have the heart to press the issue. In those early days I don’t think I put undue pressure on him – he felt the pressure within himself.

He said his sex life with his ex-wife had been OK. His daughters had told me they thought he saw me as a “high flier” and was a bit in awe of me. It didn’t feel like that but I wondered if that was the source of the problems. I began to Google phrases like “performance anxiety” and “erectile dysfunction”.

I suggested Robert see his GP. He told me he’d made an appointment but then he’d had to work late and his car had broken down. He made excuse after excuse. Eventually, his GP prescribed Viagra but Robert was reluctant to use it.