‘This time I wept and I couldn’t stop – it was so unfair’

One Sunday morning I suggested we try to make love, but Robert lost his erection again. He said he felt under incredible pressure. Later, as we walked down to the beach, Robert got very upset. I gave him a huge cuddle and reassured him that none of it mattered, that we would be OK. It was very emotional and we were closer that day than we’d ever been.

But deep down, it did matter.

I loved him but I was unfulfilled, while Robert felt increasingly under strain. Gradually even our other intimacies faded away. I put on more weight. Neither of us knew what to do.

Robert and I split up twice over the next three years, but I missed him and he always won me back. He made one more trip to his GP, who advised him to at least try to have sex, to find out if the problem had gone.

We tried – and failed.

This time I wept and I couldn’t stop. It seemed so unfair.

Robert felt the stigma of his >>

impotence acutely, but he wouldn’t, couldn’t, discuss it. I think he believed, as I did, that the cause was psychological, not physiological, but he wasn’t able to work with me to get to the heart of it. It was just too scary for him to face.

Still we carried on, heads in the sand, with me hoping for a miracle, and Robert hoping against all odds that I would continue to put up with it. I was so conflicted; it was like being in a prison. We went on holiday. I thought relaxing away from home would help but it was a disaster. When we got home I suggested going to Relate, but he wouldn’t.

Our relationship deteriorated.