4 ConfliCT

Over time, like every couple, you’ve developed strategies to manage your differences, disagreements, conflict. And though many experts frown on overt argument, I believe that whatever your strategies – humorous banter, loud quarrels, endless patience – so long as you’re both truly comfortable with what you’re doing, you’ll be fine.

But some conflict styles feel increasingly uncomfortable – and if so, your MOT needs to face that fact. If the quarrels are escalating, if conflict makes you tiptoe round each other, if you’re feeling wounded, that’s toxic and your strategy needs changing. The key here is for you both to acknowledge that toxic conflict happens when each of you is trying to win over the other – but that in trying to win, long-term, you’re likely to lose your relationship. Once that blunt lesson is on board, you’ll be more motivated to develop new strategies.

That means learning to be super aware of when rows are brewing, then stepping back, reminding yourself of your love for each other, communicating effectively. My book Stop Arguing

Start Talking (Vermilion), written with the counselling organisation Relate, talks through these skills – including a chapter on how to negotiate your way through key partnership issues. >>