“it’s very lonely when your partner has cancer” comedy writers graham and helen linehan share their ordeal

many men shy away from talking about symptoms of testicular cancer, but early diagnosis makes all the difference. Here, stephanie nimmo shares the experience of her friends, tV comedy writers Graham and Helen linehan

While i was out walking my dog my friend Helen rang. “Steph, we’ve had bad news,” she said. “Graham has cancer.”

In comedy circles Helen and Graham linehan are a power couple. she is part of the team behind the bbC series Motherland, and Graham is the baFta and emmy award-winning genius behind Father Ted. but that word – cancer – had reduced my strong, funny, practical friend to a quivering mess.

I know that feeling all too well. my own husband andy was diagnosed with colorectal cancer four years ago. the symptoms came on really suddenly, and we were told andy’s cancer was already stage four and incurable. your world shatters and the person you want to talk to, to lean on and share with is the one who has the diagnosis. all you can do is try to hold it together for them. andy died a year after his diagnosis, aged 52.

Graham had just turned 50 when he told Helen that one of his testicles “didn’t feel right”. His symptoms were minimal – just a vague discomfort – but enough to make him feel concerned. she made a GP appointment for him, and the doctor decided to send him for further tests. a week later he went alone to their local nHs hospital for an ultrasound scan. Helen kept herself busy with a planned end-of-year 6 sats party for her son and his friends.

“When Graham phoned me from the hospital to tell me they’d found a tumour, I just froze,” Helen told me. “It was farcical really. there we were with a house full of school mums, children jumping on a bouncy castle, Prosecco in full flow – and my husband had just been told that he had cancer.”

Graham needed surgery to remove his testicle and there was also a possibility he’d need chemotherapy. While he took the news in his stride, and even posted the news to his 655,000 twitter followers @glinners, his normally positive wife spent her time throwing up with nerves. scanning the internet for information and climbing the

steep learning curve a cancer diagnosis brings only added to her stress.

“I lay awake at night, wondering what would happen. Would he lose his hair? How would he cope? every waking moment was consumed with the cancer and I felt incredibly isolated and scared,” she says.

Helen joined an online testicular cancer support forum, but discovered there were no other women in the group. “I needed to speak to other partners, but I realised that everyone’s experience is different. everyone wants to give you their opinion, and there’s so much information and advice out there that it’s difficult to not see the worst-case scenario.”

Graham and Helen initially decided not to tell their two children, then aged 10 and 12, a decision she now regrets. “We told them that Daddy had appendicitis, but it was clear that they knew something worse was going on because they could see how sick with worry I was. Children are incredibly perceptive and when we did tell them, just after Graham’s surgery to remove the affected testicle, they took the news better than I had.”

Graham’s surgery was successful. Initially he was told no chemo was needed, which he shared online, but a few weeks later the oncologist decided he would need one round of chemo just to make sure that all the cancer was gone.

testicular cancer is one of the most curable of cancers and early treatment means that Graham is now cancer-free.

“I was shocked at how Graham’s diagnosis and treatment affected me,” says Helen. “I felt I’d lost all of my responsible traits. I’m usually the organised one who sorts the paperwork and deals with the practical stuff, but

I felt frozen. I’ve never experienced anything like it before.”

Graham’s cancer journey only lasted a few months and it had a positive ending, but Helen says she felt numb inside the entire time, while attempting to keep going for the sake of the children and to support her husband.

“Cancer puts you in touch with your mortality. It reminds you how much you love that person, and it’s a wake-up call not to take things for granted,” she says.

In hindsight, what would she have changed? “I’d have told the kids a lot earlier, rather than thinking I was protecting them. Children don’t overthink things as adults do and they are definitely more aware of their parents’ worry than we had realised. and I wish there had been a support group for me. It feels very lonely when your partner has cancer because the person you want to lean on is also the one you need to be strong for. It’s hard.”

testicular cancer is something most men are reluctant to talk about, so Helen is proud that Graham has been so willing to make his own experience public. both of them hope that other men will be more confident about speaking to their GPs if they feel something is not right. the message is simple. an early diagnosis gives the best chance of a positive outcome. w&h

A‘ ll you can do is try to hold it together for them’