PSYCHOLOGIST SUSAN QUILLIAM SAYS...

psychologically, this is an intensely tangled situation. the writer’s suffering, from a problem not of her making, robs her of her partner, her anticipated future, her happy memories.

and yet. her ex-husband’s suffering too. transition is hard – typically years of concealment followed by challenging surgery and painful social adjustment.

We understand the writer’s outrage. her ex-husband’s not just leaving, but leaving badly, apparently with no sympathy, loyalty or commitment to his promises. and society’s not just sidelining her feelings, but demanding supportive positivity from her and her children.

her ex’s behaviour is likely a shell – an unconsciously developed armour to defend himself against the guilt of the transition and the devastation that it’s wreaking. his bad behaviour isn’t down to feeling nothing, but to feeling overwhelmed.

there are no easy solutions here. Neither can simply grit their teeth and reconcile. Yet professional support could help the writer express and resolve her anger, help her ex-husband admit and resolve his guilt.

If each could only appreciate the other’s suffering, they could make peace.

For partners and ex-partners of people in transition, Depend offers free online and peer support; visit depend.org.uk. the College of Sexual and relationship therapists offers private counselling; see cosrt.org.uk