TOWN COUNTRY

Worrying about weight is a pointless exercise, explain Kathy and Katie

KATHY LETTE

The comedian and author loves city life and has lived in London for over 30 years

‘Blokes never worry about the feed limit’

Once Christmas and New Year festivities are behind us, every woman I know will be dieting. I’ve already eaten so much salmon I’m getting an irresistible urge to swim upstream and spawn. As my female friends jog by in skintight Lycra, I’ll be able to see the three-course raisin they had for lunch. Some will appear to be living on little more than a cup of skimmed air.

But surely if Mother Nature wanted to see our skeletons, they’d be on the outside of our bodies? And just think about

dragon on your bicep will soon shrink to a wrinkled skink.

When I think about the amount of pressure on women to look skinny, the only thing about me that gets thinner are my lips. I mean, do blokes watch their weight? Well, yes – they look in the mirror every day and shrug. A beer belly is nothing more than a ‘veranda over the toy shop’. Nope, blokes never worry about exceeding the feed limit.

tops, thunder thighs, cankles and ‘thigh gap’, that we won’t even cook with thick-bottomed saucepans.

A recent study found that seven in 10 western women think depressingly about their weight three times a day. Svelte Jennifer Lawrence reports that, ‘…in Hollywood,

I’m obese. I’m considered a fat actress.’

But surely having no appetite for food indicates no appetite for life? Only yogis who’ve been fasting for a decade are ever hungry at the sight of tofu. So, may I suggest some alternative dieting tips? 1) Simply place spaghetti strands vertically on your plate, for a more slimming effect. 2) Bribe your talking bathroom scales to say you weigh less. And 3) Dance more. The disco diet is the fun way to lose weight. Eat what you like then dance off the kilos around the kitchen later. And just remember that the very best way to get rid of ‘unwanted fat’ is to divorce that couch potato husband who said you’re

✣ Best Laid Plans by Kathy Lette (£16.99, Bantam Press) is out now. @kathylette

KATIE FFORDE The bestselling author lives in the Cotswolds and

is a country girl at heart

A‘ nything is better than the dreaded scales’

There are few women whose New Year’s resolution doesn’t include ‘lose weight’. The hard part about Christmas is having to face up to the overindulgence that has gone on. This involves weighing yourself and it’s this that I can’t bear. People say, ‘Just do it and it’s done, like ripping off a plaster.’ But once you know you’ve put on weight you have to go on weighing yourself every week, possibly for years. It never gets easier.

I have a plan whereby you diet but you don’t weigh yourself. You judge your weight loss by other things, for example, can you get your socks on more easily? You may have lost weight,

I’ve been to every slimming club ever invented. I know people all over my home town because we’ve stood in a queue together, shaking in fear over what the scales might say. People say you should weigh yourself once a week at the same time, but this method isn’t reliable. Recently I’ve been to a meeting and thought I’d had a good week, and was appalled to discover I’d put on 4lb. The following week I lost 6lb and won a prize. ‘How did you lose 6lb?’ I was asked. ‘I haven’t,’ I replied. ‘I’ve lost 2lb. I just didn’t put on

4lb last week.’ But the scales said I had.

At home the weighing thing is worse because you have choice. If you feel you must weigh yourself anyway because you have to get dressed, you’re then tempted to take off all your clothes and weigh yourself again later when things have shifted. But you can’t decide because you’ve had a cup of tea and who knows how much that weighs?

I’m sure my no-weigh system would work. One day I’ll market this system and earn my fortune. There’s just the tiny obstacle between me and mega-millions. I need to actually ✣ A Springtime Affair by

Katie Fforde (£14.99, Century) is out now. @katiefforde