TOWN COUNTRY

There’s more than one way to be beach ready, say Kathy and Katie

KATHY LETTE

The comedian and author loves city life and has lived in London for over 30 years

‘It’s been a long lockdown – time to attack my foliage’

Like vampires, most women avoid mirrors. With the arrival of summer however, there’s no choice but to brave the harsh fluorescent lighting of a changing room in search of a new cossie. A costume drama doesn’t describe a BBC series with bustles and bonnets. No, it’s the annual agonising over whether you’re too old for a bikini.

Due to the pleasure of breastfeeding two children, my boobs are now like day-old party balloons with all the air leaked out. The shop assistant solved this problem by shoving me into what she called a ‘wonder bra-kini’. Venturing a glance into the mirror, I saw with alarm that my breasts were now strapped up on my neck, like a couple of spare double chins. Be warned. It’s called a ‘wonder bra-kini’ because when you take it off, you wonder where the hell your breasts went.

Steeling myself, I let my eyes creep cringingly downwards towards the teeny-weeny bikini briefs. Well, it looked as though that weed whacker I got for Mother’s Day was finally going to come in handy. It’s been a long, lockdown winter during which I’ve only waxed lyrical. Racing home, I attacked my foliage with a pair of nail scissors, shouting, ‘Timber!’ I kept trimming until my spiky nether regions resembled a sea creature disturbed in a rock pool and preparing to attack.

Disheartened, I swore that this year I would sport the neck-to-knee, Channel-crossing circa-1922 look. For a middle-aged woman, there’s nothing more confidence boosting than a sturdy, orthopaedic bathing suit.

But then I had a better idea… Why not just choose a holiday destination that’s kind to the female figure? So I’ve booked a vacation to the Mediterranean, where body hair is considered sensuous. And next year, Brazil, where the bigger the backside, the better. Because the bottom line is that looking good on the beach is a case of mind over matter – if you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

We’ve never deserved a summer break more, so there’s only one necessity to wear on the beach this year – a smile. ✢ Best Laid Plans by Kathy Lette (£16.99, Bantam Press) is out now. @kathylette

KATIE FFORDE The bestselling author lives in the Cotswolds and

is a country girl at heart

‘I’ve been known to swim in a full-length kaftan’

I’m not a fan of buying swimming costumes. I frequently ‘forget’ to bring one. I once did this at an adult swimming party and was forced to borrow one at the pool reception desk. I actually swerved a bullet – the party-giver was a keen nudist and tried really hard to make swimming costumes optional. Thank goodness the local council didn’t approve of that sort of thing – wearing one might be difficult in front of a lot of strangers but imagine the alternative!

When it’s been very hot at a writing retreat I am fond of, I have been known to swim in a full-length kaftan, which may have inhibited my stroke somewhat but saved me the struggle of fighting my way into a swimming costume.

But eventually you have to go for it and decide how best to tackle the problem. Do you find a shop with a changing room big enough so you can haul the nylon hammock up your legs and over your bottom? Or do you go the online route?

Living in the country as I do, with little access to the sort of shop that can find a flattering swimsuit whatever your shape, the online route is one I favour. But there are pitfalls. As someone who tactful sales assistants might describe as having a ‘fuller figure’, I like to cover the dimpled white flesh as much as possible. Thus, a ‘boy leg’ style seems a good idea, until you discover this means there is no support on top. Boy leg apparently means boy top as well. I have flesh, top and bottom (and in the middle, to be frank), so something with a bra top is indicated. More flattering maybe, but the straps slip off when you swim.

There has to be something even for the largest, most reluctant of us. I’ve found that a big swimsuit that falls off your shoulders is absolutely fine, if you do what I do. Forget all about swimming and only use it for the hot tub. Surround yourself with enough bubbles and anything fits a treat!

✢ A Springtime Affair by Katie Fforde (£8.99, PB, Arrow) is out now. @katiefforde