KATHY LETTE

‘Women and men speak a different language. We need those United Nations headphones to translate’

Communication between the sexes has never been something we’re good at. Subtlety can often fall on deaf ears, while even great big hints go unheard.

For example, when a woman says, ‘I’m fine,’ she most certainly is not; and she’ll require a lot of chocolate to get over it. When she says, ‘Sure, just do what you want,’ this means, ‘If you dare do what you want, I will impale you on this knitting needle.’

When a woman replies, ‘Hungry? Not much,’ that means ‘If you don’t feed me immediately, I’m going to gnaw your leg off.’ ‘Don’t get me anything special for my birthday’ clearly translates as ‘Buy jewellery’.

And when you don’t – ‘I forgive you’ means, ‘It’s going to be a very long time before you get to see me in my birthday suit.’

‘Marriage? Kids?… I’ve never really given it much thought’ decodes as

‘The snooze alarm has gone off on my biological clock and I’m ovulating, so get naked!’. When a woman says,

‘No, nothing’s wrong,’ this translates as, ‘Everything’s wrong! And because you didn’t notice, I’ll see you in divorce court.’

If the communication breakdown between the sexes becomes any more chronic, where will it all end? How can we ensure we’re on exactly the same page in relationships? Will courting couples end up filling out consent forms before sex? If so, casual sex could become very formal indeed.

But if authorities do insist on consent forms, I feel I speak for all women when I say we’d like to add a few more clauses. Could we also get men to agree not to pee on the seat, play air guitar, have pet names for their penises, fiddle with the fridge thermostat for fun, snore, think that asking directions is a slur on masculinity, and sitting on the toilet a leisure activity? We’d also like men to agree in writing that ‘mutual orgasm’ is not an insurance company. And to find our G-spots without a list of edible berries and a compass.

God, apparently as a prank, devised two sexes and called them ‘opposite’. But it’s important to remember that there is only one chromosome that separates us. The sex war has raged for 5,000 years, so it’s time we called a truce… starting with men negotiating their terms of surrender.

Meanwhile, the most important thing a bloke can do is listen. When I was a teenager, my parents, who adored each other, had a rare tiff. Mum either snapped at Dad or served his meals in silence – a very cold shoulder of lamb, indeed. My three sisters and I were walking on eggshells.

Much to our relief, a few days later, Mum could no longer stand the tension and insisted they make up. My darling dad looked at her, perplexed. ‘What?’ He hadn’t noticed.

Mum laughed and hugged him because that’s one way the sexes can always communicate – we’re fluent in body language.

✢ Kathy Lette is an investigative satirist and author of 20 books; @kathylette and kathylette.com

‘Could we get men to agree not to pee on the seat, or play air guitar?’