NAVIGATING LIFE BEYOND A BREAK-UP

Separation can rock your sense of self – and shift the dynamic within the wider circle of family and friends – but these practical tips can help you move forward

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STOP TELLING YOUR ‘SAD’ STORY ‘That’s not to be harsh because it often is a very sad story,’ says Sara. ‘But your brain can’t tell the difference between what’s happening now and what has happened in the past. So every time you retell your story, you’re reliving the trauma – over and over and over again.’ And that stops you moving on. ‘It’s important to have someone to talk to, though, so choose a family member or friend to download to, but don’t download to everyone,’ warns Sara. ‘Not the hairdresser, the butcher, the woman at the checkout, your neighbour…’

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FACE UP TO YOUR FEARS

It’s natural to feel scared when you’re suddenly having to cope on your own and the future seems uncertain. But naming exactly what it is that’s frightening you and planning ways to tackle it will help dampen down the fear. Worried about finances? Start budgeting to find where you could make savings, find another income stream or do things differently. ‘Clarity gives us power,’ says Sara. ‘The more you face up to it, the less it has a hold on you. It dials down the anxiety.’

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WRITE A BREAK-UP BUCKET LIST Add all the things you can do now that you could never have done during your relationship. ‘It can be anything,’ says Sara. ‘I had one client whose husband hated leather trousers and now she has them in all different colours – she’s rocking it!’ Make it something that helps move you forward. ‘Maybe it’s spending time with friends who your ex didn’t like,’ says Sara, ‘or taking a trip your ex never wanted to take. That can become your new story. You’re shifting the focus.’

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DETOX YOUR HOME

Remove your ex’s stuff and anything too linked to them, such as photos. ‘It doesn’t mean you have to burn everything in some sort of cleansing ritual,’ says Sara. It’s about neutralising to move forward. ‘Box it up out of sight and replace it with something that makes you feel good about yourself.’ If you’re staying in the same home, try moving furniture around, change the drawer you keep the pots and pans in, or sit in a different spot on the sofa. Put your stamp on your home.

5 NAME YOUR EX WITH A SMALL INITIAL

it Sara. ‘Names can stir If you carry up use intense a their lot of negative name emotion,’ constantly emotion says and memories. So use their first initial instead, she advises. ‘And not a capital either – a teeny-weeny lower-case letter. It Ask dials your down lawyer the intensity to do that of too. emotion.’ They can’t in official documents but they can use it in emails back and forth to you. ‘That’ll help protect you a little bit from the heartbreak, particularly in the early days,’ says Sara. Resist the temptation to list your ex in a derogatory way on your phone – there’s still a negative attachment to that, which won’t help.