10 things I am NOT going to do in 2019

1 EAT MORE “HEALTHILY” Nobody knows what healthy is anyway; the rules change every week.

2 DRINK LESS ALCOHOL I simply don’t see what this would achieve. A longer life? It would just seem longer. If a couple of margaritas take the edge off, good luck to me.

3 TAKE UP A HOBBY WELSH? Salsa? The trumpet? Life isn’t one long episode of Britain’s Got Talent. I’d either be terrible at those things, or brilliant but have nowhere to show them off. That would be frustrating. Better to just lie here.

4 JOIN A GYM SEE ABOVE.

5 CLEAR OUT THE WARDROBE There are dresses in there that haven’t come off the hanger since 2002. This is a delicate ecosystem; it could be dangerous to remove them now.

6 SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY Don’t be ridiculous.

7 LEARN CODING I will do it the day my GP tells me I have 10,000 years to live.

8 RUN A MARATHON Very bad for the knees. What if I got an injury? This could require me to join a gym. See point 4.

9 REDECORATE This wallpaper was clearly popular with whoever lived here before us. If we wait long enough, it’s bound to come round again.

10 SAVE MONEY What a stupidly vague notion. How much? £1,000? £10,000? And then what? I’d only spend it. w&h