‘I lost my soul mate’ Elliot Choueka, 41, lives in London with natalie, nine, and Joseph, six.
‘I worried I was making mistakes’
I’d never believed in soul mates – that is, until January 2003, when I met Rosie. I knew she was the person I was meant to share my life with.
We got married in October 2004, and our daughter Natalie was born three years later, followed by Joseph in November 2010.
Every day I was in awe of my wife. Somehow she managed to do the school run, arrange play dates, and organise family holidays, all on top of working full-time as a lawyer.
But then, in June 2014, Rosie found a lump in her breast. After a biopsy, we were given the news that would change our lives forever. Rosie had breast cancer. I managed to hold back my tears until I got to the car with my phone in hand, about to break the news to my in-laws. It’s a testament to her strength that, as my chest heaved with sobs, Rosie made the call herself.
Rosie had a lumpectomy, then chemotherapy and after four months was cancer free. But a few days later, the cancer returned and had spread to her liver. We prepared for the worst.
We were both on autopilot, doing things like transferring bank accounts into my name. We told Natalie, six, and Joseph, four, that Mummy was poorly with a disease called cancer.
Rosie wrote letters to her friends, recorded video clips and even bought cards for the children right up until their 21st birthdays.
But no amount of planning could have prepared me to say goodbye – for that terrible moment in the hospice in June 2015 when Rosie took her last breath. The loneliness in those first few weeks was so overwhelming. The only thing that forced me out of bed was Natalie and Joseph.
Suddenly, I was a single parent and there was so much to do – from the food shop to helping with homework. I had support from family and counsellors, but I worried I was making mistakes. When Joseph had problems sleeping, I let him lie in bed next to me. But was that the right thing to do? And, when I took Natalie clothes shopping, I felt so out of place.
And while Joseph was still so young, Natalie had lots of questions. ‘Why couldn’t the doctors make Mummy better?’ she’d ask. Using bereavement books for children, I answered all her questions honestly, but I still worried that I was scaring her.
I wish I could say that one day things suddenly became easy, but I’m still getting used to being both Mum and Dad. Even little things, like plaiting Natalie’s hair or attending parents’ evening by myself, feel like huge achievements.
As I look to the future, I know there’ll be more obstacles. Rosie wanted me to find love again but, just two years on from her death, that still seems inconceivable.
I hope that Rosie’s proud of the way I’m raising our children. She was my best friend, my soul mate, and I miss her every single day.
at his wife’s request, Elliot set up a charity to support research into secondary breast cancer. Visit secondary1st.org.uk