In my experience Mental illness report: ‘I found my teenager in a heap on the floor…’
Vicky Brook reveals her daughter’s brave battle with mental illness…
Glance at these photos of my daughter Florence and, with her sparkling blue eyes and bright smile, she looks like any other carefree child. But, the truth is, Florence, now 18, fights a battle that so few understand – mental illness. For years, there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t find my daughter crying hysterically in bed. Filled with self-loathing, she’d tell me she wished she could die. and, in her darkest days, I wondered how we’d ever go on…
Florence hadn't always felt this way. Back in February 2007, then eight, she was a happy little girl. She loved horse riding and walking the dog with her sister, Emily, then 13. So, when she woke one night, bursting into my room in a panic, I assumed she’d had a nightmare. Only, shaking, she tried to speak, and her words came out as nonsense. I jumped to horrific conclusions – was she having an epileptic fit? A stroke? I called an ambulance and, at hospital, doctors said she’d suffered a severe form of migraine, and was sent home. But from that day, the bubbly daughter I knew vanished.
Overnight, she became overwhelmed with anxiety. It started small – if someone walked past the window she’d jump back, convinced they were going to harm us. And, soon, Florence became obsessed with safety. She hated going in the car – so certain we’d be in an accident.
Then, three months later, in May 2007, her head teacher called to say she was having panic attacks in class. ‘She needs to leave school,’ said the teacher. I felt so angry – my daughter was being abandoned. I gave up my job in finance to be with Florence at home and, as is procedure when a child leaves mainstream education, a representative from the council came to assess Florence. ‘Our view is that Florence can’t attend school as she has mental health problems,’ he told me.
In the months that followed, Florence saw countless doctors, psychiatrists and mental health experts. And, in February 2008, was diagnosed with panic disorder, OCD and depression. I was distraught, but as desperate as I was to know why – and what – might have caused my little girl to develop such problems the doctors couldn't give me a definitive answer. Florence had cognitive behavioural therapy and, at nine, was put on a course of antidepressants. But nothing seemed to work. Engulfed with anxiety, she’d spend days in bed. If we did leave the house and someone looked at her the ‘wrong’ way, she’d think she was in danger.
All I wanted was to help her get better. It wasn’t until March 2008, 13 months after her breakdown, that we finally found
‘engulfed with anxiety, She’d Spend Days In bed’
some hope, when a senior consultant suggested talking therapy. Over time, through therapy, Florence learnt that, rather than try to battle her anxieties herself, she could talk about them.
While I wish I could say that from then, she made a speedy recovery, the truth is, with mental illness, that’s rarely the case. Florence’s progress has been slow – she was 11 when she was able to sit comfortably in the car, 14 when she could eat in a restaurant without collapsing into tears.
I’d cry myself to sleep thinking of the experiences she was missing out on. She’d never get dressed up for the school prom, or go with her friends to collect her GCSE results. I lost count of the amount of times I’ve found her crumpled in a heap, crying.
But now, at 18, Florence is bright, chatty and has a part-time job in a homeware store. She’s still on antidepressants and, on her bad days, she prefers to be alone. But, on good days, you’d never know the difficulties she faces. Florence refuses to let her issues define her and, for that, I’m so proud.