His drinking is getting out of hand

We had a lovely family gathering for my son’s 10th birthday. Lovely, that is, until my younger brother arrived. He has a drinking problem and, in spite of our asking him not to drink, took beer from our fridge and spirits from our cupboard, and ended up screaming at the children so they fled to their rooms. When I told him to stop, he stormed out but because my dad refused to take his keys away, he drove off. Everyone in the family just covers up for him, but my husband and I feel it’s got to stop. It’s our daughter’s birthday next month. I’d like my parents and sister and her family there, but I don’t want to invite my brother. My husband is prepared to bar him, but will it cause family problems?

Suzie says:

Getting drunk and trashing an adult party is bad enough – but behaviour like that at a children’s party is beyond the pale. If your family refuse to see that, you have my permission to bar them, too! The main issue is that covering up such problems is collusive – it encourages the bad behaviour to continue and never asks the person to face up to their problems. So, under the guise of being loving and protecting a family member, it not only puts other people at terrible risk, it harms the drinker, too. If he drink-drives as well, it’s a miracle he hasn’t harmed someone else already – and that luck won’t last. You can’t force your brother to stop drinking and address his problems – but you can insist it no longer affects you. Tell your family if they want to go on encouraging his drinking and his toxic behaviour that’s their business – but he won’t be invited to any more of your family events. State that you will inform the police if you know he is drink-driving, and that you think his parents should grasp the nettle and suggest he sees his doctor to get help in tackling his drinking problem.