Family dilemmas

My husband was married before me but got divorced due to his wife’s cruelty and infidelity. We’re so happy together and have been for almost five years. However, his mother never lets an opportunity go by to mention his ex, and to say he was wrong to leave her. She even calls me by her name, and then apologises – with great show.

It all came to a head a month ago when we visited his parents for Sunday lunch. From the start, she was on at me and criticising and comparing me. My father-in-law hates it too, but is clearly too embarrassed to say anything. So it ended when my husband said he’d not only had enough for that day, but he’d had enough for good and we walked out.

I don’t want to be the cause of a family rift, but I’m at a loss. I’ve tried so hard to please her. What can I do to get her to like me?

Suzie says:

You can’t do anything because this is not about you. It’s about her need to be in control and No1 in your husband’s life, and she’d be like that with anyone he chooses. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t just as critical of the first wife – except if they were as alike as they sound, they might have formed an unholy alliance, both out to get him under their thumb.

Your husband knows her. He’s had many more years than you in having to dance around to her tune and is probably sick of it – this is just the last straw. So you’re not breaking up a happy family. The only person responsible for this rift is her, with her unkindness and cruelty. I don’t think anyone should continue any relationship if it’s toxic and damaging – and that includes parent/ child relationships. Tell his dad he’d be welcome to visit if he wants, but you don’t have to go there any more.