‘our pasts should be embraced, not erased’
Tess Stimson, 46, is an author and journalist who lives with her husband and three children in London
As scanned guest my soon-to-be-husband list, our he wedding looked first puzzled and then perturbed.
‘I’m just wondering,’ Erik, 47, teased. ‘Is there any man on this list you haven’t dated?’
He had a point. at least four of the male guests were exes – and two were coming on honeymoon with us!
It was a second wedding for both of us and we’d decided we wanted a quiet ceremony with just our closest friends. For me, that included my ex-partners. Besides, they’d been at my first wedding!
Before I married my first husband, Brent, in 1993, I’d had just one serious relationship, with a man named Peter. It lasted two years, but we remained great friends when it ended. I dated andrew after that, then a man named Grub. I adored them both, but neither were serious relationships, so it was easy to stay friends afterwards.
all three came to the wedding, but Brent didn’t mind, because, as he said, he’d been the one to ‘win’ me in the end.
Then, in July 1999, we divorced and, two years later, I met Erik. I knew right away it was serious, and on our fourth date he asked me to marry him.
we both came with baggage, but agreed that our pasts were part of what made us who we were, and should be embraced, not erased. when our daughter, Lily, was born in 2002, we picked Erik’s ex, Karen, to be godmother. almost all of our exes came to our wedding at worth abbey in December 2005. as I walked down the aisle, I caught Peter’s eye and he gave me a wink, while Grub gave me a quick thumbs-up. It was like walking through a living photo album of my romantic history. I felt incredibly lucky to still have these wonderful men as my friends.
we couldn’t really have a traditional honeymoon, because of the children, so we went skiing in France with friends – including Peter, who pointed out that it might have taken him 15 years and two weddings, but he’d finally got to go on a honeymoon with me!
If you trust someone, it doesn’t matter who they loved before they met you. You’re the one they’re choosing to marry, and in the end, that’s all that counts.
‘you’re the one they’ve chosen’