I can’t re­mem­ber if I was abused

Woman (UK) - - Ask The Expert -

QI’ve been look­ing through old photo al­bums from my child­hood. But I keep get­ting odd mem­o­ries of a close rel­a­tive be­ing sex­u­ally in­ap­pro­pri­ate with me. Is this real? If so, what should I do about this?

Su­san says:

AWhether or not your mem­o­ries are real, you need to ex­plore and re­solve them be­fore you’ll be able to find peace as you go on with your life. So don’t just push this is­sue un­der the car­pet. In­stead, it’s im­por­tant to get help to ex­plore what pre­cisely did (or didn’t) hap­pen to you, and what ac­tion you need to take now. The NAPAC (the Na­tional As­so­ci­a­tion for Peo­ple Abused in Child­hood) will help you nav­i­gate this mine­field and can help pro­vide sup­port along the way. Their helpline is 0808 801 0331 and, for peace of mind, calls will not show up on your bill. Or go to napac.org.uk for more.

Is It safe to try?

Qwe’d both like to try ty­ing each other up as part of our love­mak­ing. But is it safe? we want to be sure we don’t panic our­selves be­fore we ac­tu­ally get to en­joy our­selves!

Su­san says:

ATy­ing up can be fun – one of you gets to let go and the other gets to take con­trol. But you need to stay safe. So start gen­tly. Try hold­ing each other firmly rather than ty­ing. Use fun, fluffy, easy-re­lease hand­cuffs (try ones from Ann Sum­mers). Have a ‘safe word’, (such as ‘red’) to sig­nal ‘stop now’ if ei­ther of you gets wob­bly. My book, The Joy of Sex: The Ad­ven­tur­ous Lover, (Mitchell Bea­z­ley, avail­able on ama­zon.co.uk) gives you more ideas.

I al­ways fake it in bed

QI’ve never or­gasmed reg­u­larly with my hus­band, so I pre­tend. But re­cently, he asked me if I’d ever faked it, and I couldn’t lie. He’s ter­ri­bly up­set and I’m think­ing that this is the end of our sex life.

Su­san says:

AAc­tu­ally, this could be the start of an even bet­ter sex life. Be­cause yes, you had good in­ten­tions – you faked so your hus­band wouldn’t feel hurt. But the re­sult was that over the years, nei­ther of you has had the chance to learn what you re­ally need in bed. Now you’re fi­nally be­ing hon­est with each other, so you can both start re­ally ex­plor­ing what turns you on. Ex­plain all that to your hus­band so he un­der­stands that you weren’t ly­ing but try­ing to pro­tect him. Then talk hon­estly about what works for each of you, and start putting that into prac­tice.

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