is your life ruled by your husband’s hormones?

Mood swings. Lethargy. Loss of libido. As doctors say it’s not just women who endure changes in middle age, Liz Stout explains what it’s like living with a husband going through the ‘manopause’

The mood swings have been off the scale this month and the tiredness is palpable. and then there’s all the sniping and bickering.

Given I’m 45, you might think my middle-age hormones are to blame. But it’s not me in a permanent funk - it’s my partner Jo, 53.

He eats well, exercises regularly and has no vices, aside from the odd glass of good red wine. And yet he just seems so tired, troubled and fed up of late.

Huddled talks with female friends uncover similar tales of low energy, short fuses and sleepless nights in their middle-aged menfolk.

Could it be — dare to whisper it — the male menopause? Some sneaky research online, while Jo watches television, confirms what I suspect: he is just as much at the mercy of middleaged hormonal changes as I am.

Some men, like women, even require HRT (where the hormone being replaced is, of course, testosterone). By the NHS definition, the male menopause is used to explain a set of mid-life symptoms commonly experienced by men.

These can include mood swings and irritability, loss of muscle mass and reduced ability to exercise, general lack of enthusiasm or energy, and poor concentration. Other symptoms, I discover, might be difficulty sleeping, loss of libido and a redistribution of fat that manifests in a large tummy or ‘man boobs’.

While I’m relieved Jo’s yet to show signs of the latter two, I realise he is ticking most of the other symptom boxes.

Energetic past

When we met five years ago, his boundless energy was one of the things that attracted me. He was one of the most fun and positive people I’d ever come across. When he revealed the eight-year age gap, I didn’t flinch. His sprightly, 48 put my sluggish 40 to shame.

Our courtship was whirlwind and within six months we were engaged and living together in blended family bliss with our four offspring, my two children, Tallulah, now 13, and George, 11, and his girls, Lola, 16, and Scarlett, 13.

When not working long days in London as a director, Jo was sorting family admin, vacuuming the house or tidying up after untidy tweens. On summer evenings, you’d usually find him cleaning the car or digging the garden. Saturday meant an early morning sprint or hilly bike ride, and come midnight, seven days a week, he’d still be wide awake watching the TV, as I battled to keep my

‘he’s never Even had man flu’

eyelids open. Dark wintry weekday mornings could never bring him down. While I was comatose, he’d be making tea. He’s never had man flu.

Then six months ago, my silverhaired superhuman hit a wall. The man who had the energy for anything and everything suddenly flatlined.

A new man

Jo’s transformation from dynamic and full of energy to tired and tetchy happened almost overnight. It began with daily complaints of feeling achy and creaky. Concentrating was hard work, he said, relaxing, even more difficult. He tried to stay cheery but it was obvious he was struggling.

I did my best to lift his spirits and we both blamed winter blues but the truth is, living with this very different Jo wasn’t much fun.

Overnight, it seemed, we did less running and cycling and watched more TV. We kissed less, and argued more. He went to bed later and later, only to get up before it was light, unable to sleep properly.

But while he seemed prepared just to accept this and insisted his symptoms were down to nothing more than that inevitable, unstoppable thing called ageing, I wasn’t.

The speed of his decline didn’t make any sense to me, for starters. I also couldn’t help making the connection between his symptoms and my own set of pre-menopausal ones.

I have been open about my own roller-coaster hormonal ride since hitting 40. But Jo simply would not countenance talking about his hormones.

After weeks of struggling with his loss of mojo, I finally persuaded him to see a professional for a midlife MOT.

We turned to Dr Sohere Roked, a GP and specialist in male hormones and age management, who is based at the Omniya Clinic in London.

Dr Roked confirms that Jo’s reluctance to theorise about his worsening malaise is fairly typical.

She takes blood samples from Jo so she can measure his testosterone levels and check for any vitamin or mineral deficiencies. She also sends him off with little plastic vials to collect saliva in at different times of the day. This is to pick up any spikes in cortisol, the hormone released when we’re stressed.

The tests take a week to process and then Jo is back for the results. After months of brushing his symptoms under the carpet, the diagnosis is just moments away.

Dr Roked reveals the good news that Jo isn’t fighting any serious illness. The other good news — and Jo is smugly glowing — is that his testosterone levels for a man of his age are good.

Yet with a reading this impressive, Dr Roked also points out that Jo should be feeling great. So why isn’t he? The saliva tests provide the answer. He is producing an unhealthily high level of the stress hormone cortisol, which is suppressing the energy-boosting effects of testosterone.

Faced with these figures, Jo finally admits he’s been feeling overworked and overwhelmed for a while.

While he thought he’d been just about coping with the busy job, commute and houseful of demanding, albeit lovely, children, it turns out life’s pressures have taken their toll. ‘We talk about everything else, so why didn’t you just tell me?’ I ask him.

His answer is that, unlike me, he just doesn’t analyse how he or his body is feeling all the time. The tension just crept up on him.

I’m relieved there is nothing seriously wrong, but I do feel guilty that I haven’t noticed how much he has on his plate. Instead of feeling irritated by him, I should have empathised.

‘he no longer feels old’

Impressive change

Dr Roked prescribes daily supplements to help get him back to his high-energy self.

Back at home, the pill popping proves a bit of a chore. The man who never takes tablets suddenly has 10 different magic pills to swallow. But Jo diligently follows instruction and the positive effects are impressively immediate.

A week later, he’s feeling noticeably less tired and has agreed to manage his stress levels better. We’ve even started a yoga class together and best of all, he says he no longer feels ‘old’.

This is music to my ears — if only the female ‘change’ was so manageable.