‘THE SILENCE FROM FRIENDS WAS CRUSHING’

Jess Clasbymonk, 31, a former marketing manager, lives in Berkshire with her wife nat, 30, who is in the RAF, and their son Eli, one. Their first baby, Leo, was stillborn in 2016, at 37 weeks, four days. Shortly after I gave birth to Leo, our families came to the hospital and I remember telling my mum I was happy – I know that sounds bizarre, but we were parents and so proud.

Leo was conceived through IVF (after three private rounds of artificial insemination, and one failed IVF cycle).

My pregnancy had been textbook, then at 36 weeks and six days, I went to the maternity unit as I hadn’t felt him moving that morning. The midwife couldn’t find his heartbeat.

After we were told Leo had died, we came home and cried. I was still carrying him, but it was the strangest, alien feeling.

Two days later I was induced. One of the care assistants came in and said, ‘congratulations!’ I’m not sure she understood our situation and, had she, I’m not sure she’d have said it. But I loved her saying that – she is the only person to have said congratulations.

Work was hard

No-one prepared us for the isolation of coming home from hospital with just a memory box. You have no idea of what to expect – including other people’s reactions. We stopped hearing from lots of them.

I found it hard with colleagues. You spend so much time with them, but people don’t know what to say. Nobody contacted me while I was off after Leo was born and so returning to work was a huge challenge. The silence was crushing.

You don’t need to ask really personal questions, simply asking the baby’s name can help. We need to normalise pregnancy loss so those affected aren’t so isolated in their grief. ✱ Jess blogs at thelegacy ofleo.com. For campaign videos, information and support, go to tommys.org/ together-for-change.

‘NO-ONE PREPARED US’