the ivf diaries
Elin Fflur and her husband Jason have opened up their very personal diaries to show the impact of IVF on a marriage
Day one of our IVF journey
Elin It’s 6.45am and I’m sitting in bed, cup of tea in one hand and a needle in the other. My stomach is churning. Am I strong enough for this? Is Jason? I drive the needle, containing a drug to stimulate my ovaries, into my stomach. People might think I’ve got it all. But there’s one thing I want desperately – to be a mum, showering my child with the love my parents gave me and my two brothers. It was through my brothers that I met Jason. We married in December 2012 and moved into our first home, which Jason, a builder, had constructed. All our friends started having babies, but we wanted to wait until we were financially ready. I assumed I’d get pregnant easily. But it didn’t happen. So, in 2016, I went to my GP. He referred me to a gynaecologist and an exploratory operation revealed my fallopian tubes were blocked with fluid. I woke from anaesthetic to be told I would never conceive naturally. We were promised two attempts at IVF on the NHS. The first, in January last year, failed, probably because the fluid in my tubes prevented the egg implanting properly. I was told I’d need them removed, which I did that May. Then came a hammer blow. Funding was withdrawn and our second IVF attempt was cancelled. We scraped together our savings and wrote a cheque for £11,000 to the Manchester Fertility Clinic. The money buys us two tries. So here we are, on day one. I’ve bought a teddy bear for the baby – it’s my way of forcing myself to think positive. I tell myself if I believe enough, it will happen.
Day 6
Elin The drugs i’m injecting make me incredibly tired, but i’m lucky to avoid other symptoms. At work, i try to smile, but i’m feeling so guilty and worthless. i can’t give Jason a baby. i can’t give my parents a grandchild. What sort of woman am i? Jason i’m trying to keep myself distracted. When i’m not working, i’m in the gym, trying to blot out my thoughts. i haven’t felt able to tell my mates what Elin is going through. Besides, i don’t see so much of them these days – another side effect of being childless. They don’t mean to exclude us, and i refuse to feel jealous, but we’re not part of the ‘parent pack’.
Day 8
Elin We’re in Starbucks in Manchester, waiting for the call that could change our lives. This morning, our consultant, Dr Peter Kerecsenyi, scanned my stomach to see how many tiny eggs – called follicles – are developing in my womb. To stand the best chance, he wants at least 12. Then the phone rings and it’s not the news we wanted – there are just four follicles. ‘I can’t advise you what to do,’ says the nurse. We can go ahead and pay the fee of £5,500, or restart, hopefully harvest more eggs and pay nothing for this attempt. As I put my mobile down, I’m shaking. ‘I think we should carry on,’ says Jason. I agree – but that night, we sit in our hotel room, watching TV in silence. Jason We don’t need a football team of babies. We only need one – one egg, one embryo, one baby.
Day 12
Elin Back at the clinic, we make silly jokes as Jason is led off to provide a sperm sample. We’ve both cut out alcohol, cut down on caffeine and eaten as healthily as possible for months, to give our bodies the best chance. When the embryologist says Jason’s sample contains a whopping 149 million sperm, he looks like King of the World. Dr Kerecsenyi is happy with four eggs from me. Every personal goal I’ve set, I’ve achieved – exams, career, singing competitions. But I can’t steer this. It’s out of my control. Elin We watch Bond films back-toback, jumping every time the phone rings. Finally, just before 5pm, the clinic calls. Two of the embryos have fertilised. We’re told that they are ‘top quality’, perfect.
Day 16
Elin i’m sedated as the best embryo is implanted. i’m scared the embryo will fall out if i sneeze or even stand up. There’s a superstition that eating salt can help an embryo develop. so we stop at mcdonald’s for some chips. The place is packed with children. i’m sure it’s a good omen.
Day 20
Elin However hard I fight to stay positive, it seems my brain won’t let me. I go for lunch with Heledd – we bonded when we were both considering IVF and she’s now heavily pregnant at her fifth attempt. ‘It’s like gambling,’ she admits. ‘You get hooked on hope.’ Jason Our parents try to hide their nerves, but I can’t bear the thought of disappointing them. Being helpless is hard to accept.
Day 26
Elin I bound out of bed. I should wait another four days to do the test, but it’s Dad’s 65th birthday and I tell Jason it’s a good omen. There are two tiny blue lines. ‘We’re pregnant,’ says Jason as he whirls me around. We’re both crying. Without a doubt it’s the happiest day of my life.
Day 52
Elin I feel properly pregnant – my boobs ache and I’m queasy. I’ve mostly kept quiet until my 12-week scan today. Jason coos with me as we see the baby on the screen. But something’s wrong – the heartbeat is slow. The sonographer tries to reassure us, and suggests we return in a week for another scan. Jason I promised to be strong for Elin, but I lose it. We walked into hospital as expectant parents and now we’re sitting in a little office, facing a future without a baby. This time, it’s Elin who comforts me. ‘We’ve got each other,’ she whispers.
Day 63
Elin Our baby is dead. I’ve had scan after scan and, each time, the heartbeat was fainter. Now, it’s gone. I tell myself that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. But Jason and I lived every second of this so intensely and we’ve lost someone we loved deeply. This is the worst day of my life. Jason This feels like a secret shame. Few people knew we were pregnant but they don’t understand our grief. Yet I can barely get out of bed and I’m terrified of the future. What will it do to Elin?
Today
Elin I tell myself I got pregnant once and I can again. Jason and I are stronger than ever. But IVF feels like a looming third presence in our marriage. Jason reassures me that it’s me he loves, but it doesn’t stop me longing to give him a baby. Jason Time really does heal. We feel strong enough to start again. We have no illusions now, we know how tough it can be. But we’re resilient and we will get through this. ✱ You, Me and IVF is available on BBC iplayer.