Touching myself feels abnormal

Expert solutions

QI’ve read about self-pleasuring, I’ve talked to one or two close friends, I’ve tried to give it a go. But it just doesn’t work for me. I touch myself and it feels weird. I attempt different movements and experience nothing. I even bought a self-help book but just got annoyed. I’ve always enjoyed lovemaking, climax regularly, and have great sex with my fiancé. What’s wrong with me that I can’t do this?

Susan says

ANothing’s wrong with you. You have a good sex life and are a sexually enthusiastic woman. But self-pleasuring isn’t for you. Perhaps you believe it’s wrong, perhaps you lack experience. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you shouldn’t blame yourself – instead, just enjoy what you do like.

If something sexual happens that you dislike, of course say no – and if necessary be loud, firm and clear. But what if you want to say no in a kind and loving way?

Offer praise

Your man will need to know he hasn’t got it wrong. Make it obvious with words and body language that he’s fine, you still care, and that you’re not refusing him – just this particular bedroom action.

Offer alternatives

There’ll surely be other things you’re happy to offer, in bed and out, to meet his needs. So if possible, pair refusal to do one thing with eager willingness to do something else instead.

Offer a promise

If your hesitation’s about timing or situation, you can promise to deliver what he wants at another time or place. If you’re completely wary, offer to talk through the issue later and together find a good way forward.