Ask The Experts Menopause making sex painful? Plus relationship, family, medical and pet problems resolved
Solve your family dilemmas with expert advice
I’M NOT READY FOR SEX
Q My husband passed away about a year ago, and I haven’t dated or been sexually active at all since. I’ve met a man I really like and we met for a meal and had a very enjoyable evening. He suggested the next time we met, since we each had to drive around an hour to meet in the middle, could be at one or other of our houses. It became clear he expected the one driving would stay the night. I do like him, I could see this relationship developing, but not so quickly. Am I being a prude?
Suzie says
A It doesn’t matter what other people may be doing or accepting, If you don’t want to have sex on a second date, that’s your right. But you don’t yet know what he intended by this, so why don’t you tackle this head on? Say to him ‘It’s been a long time since I dated and if staying overnight is an invitation to have sex, I have to say I’m not ready for that yet.’ If he’s only in it for the sex, he’ll make an excuse and fade away.
If a relationship is what he wants but he thinks early sex is what is expected, you’ll have clearly stated your boundaries which may be his too. And if ‘stay the night’ genuinely just meant separate bedrooms, you can both laugh about it, and continue, knowing where you stand.
Was their marriage fulfilling?
Q Just before my mother died, she mentioned in passing that she and my dad hadn’t had sex for 30 years, because of treatment for his prostate cancer. Now I wonder whether I should tell my sister. You’d never have guessed. Our parents were the most affectionate and loving couple, always holding hands and kissing. But 30 years without sex...how did they stand it?
Suzie says
A Love and sex can be two separate things. I’ve known couples who adore each other, who hardly ever have sex. I’ve known others who hate the ground each stand upon, but have dynamite sex regularly. The truth is intercourse is not the only way to give each other sexual pleasure. If you’re tempted to unload what you’ve discovered about your parents because you don’t want to be the only one carrying the secret, then I’d think twice. But if you want to reflect on the enduring love they showed in the face of an impediment, then go ahead.
I DON’T WANT THEM IN MY LIFE
Q My husband is American, but has lived in the UK all his adult life. We see his parents occasionally, but they’re not nice people. During the pandemic, our calls descend into their railing against anyone who isn’t extreme Right. They’re now full-on holocaust deniers. I’m Jewish, and these are my children’s grandparents. Can I ask my husband to break ties?
Suzie says
A There are some beliefs that are truly beyond the pale. Holocaust denial, in the face of such clear and irrefutable evidence, is one of them. What your husband chooses to do with his parents is his decision, though the fact he fled across the world says plenty and maybe he just needs permission to break such a toxic bond. For you and your children, I’d stand firm. You don’t need such poisonous views in yours or their life.