Ask SUSAN
Expert solutions for your sex and relationship dilemmas
How to have sex with kids at home
QWhen the last of our children left home a few years ago and we had the house to ourselves, my husband and I started having the best sex. We did everything, in every room in the house, and loudly! But recently, our eldest daughter split with her partner and has moved back in with us. She’s lovely, but now I feel embarrassed – and our sex life has died again. Can we save it?
Susan says
A Relax. Your daughter’s old enough to know that you have every right to a sex life, just as much as she does. Yes, maybe it’s best to limit your wilder adventures, but a lock for your bedroom door will work wonders in helping you relax and enjoy. Plus, remember that your daughter will likely move out again soon, because she’ll want the freedom to enjoy her sex life, too!
OWING HIM SEX
Q I’ve been made redundant. My fiance’s lovely, even supporting me financially, but I feel every time he’s good to me, I have to have sex – whether I’m in the mood or not. He’s never even hinted, but he’s so generous I feel bad if I don’t do it.
Susan says
A The pressure is clearly coming from you. Are you feeling guilty for accepting support? Or perhaps unworthy, because you lost your job? Feeling that any time anyone cares for you, you’re duty-bound to return that care? You don’t need to pay back – what he’s offering is what any loving partner would do in a crisis. Talk to him and get his reassurance. Then welcome his help!
Will I scare him off with my fantasies?
Q My new man and I are having a wonderful time in bed – and I’m now keen to start getting a bit more uninhibited. I’ve always loved fantasy, sex toys, and even role play and bondage. But I am worried about when – and how – to start introducing these to him.what if he’s shocked?
Susan says
A I’d suggest that you begin slowly. Perhaps simply point out a magazine article about sexy games. Perhaps call up a sex-toy site or erotic blog and browse together. Then, next time you’re getting raunchy, rather than suggesting one specific activity you want, mention three or four and get your man to choose. All these ways forward will reveal what he’s comfortable with – but won’t pressure him into things that turn him off.
STRUGGLING TO CONCEAL MY AFFAIR
Q My long-term lover caught COVID-19 in January and passed away. I’m devastated, especially as I couldn’t visit him in hospital or attend his funeral. But now I feel so low I’m hardly talking to my husband and can’t bear to have sex with him and he’s getting suspicious. How can I pull myself together and move on?
Susan says
A I do understand you can’t tell your husband why you’re so sad. But it isn’t healthy to push down your feelings for your lover or try to move on without properly mourning. You need to grieve, preferably with support. Do you have a friend you can trust not to reveal anything? If not, a counsellor will support you to come back into emotional and sexual balance and work through this situation. Cruse Bereavement (cruse.org.uk) can help.