‘AFTER HAVING MY OWN HOME, ADAPTING TO THEIR ROUTINES WAS HARD’ Elaine’s mum Pam says:
Learning support assistant Elaine Coe, 55, has a daughter aged 28. She lives in Wickford, Essex, with her parents Pam, 78, and Terry Woolton, 80.
My ex-husband and I had been married for 34 years. We’d had problems for a while, and each time I’d confide in my parents. After the fourth time, Dad said, ‘You know you are welcome to come back here.’ By 2019, my marriage had reached the end of the road.
Looking at what I’d received from the division of our assets, combined with my earnings, at best I’d be able to afford a mortgage on a one-bedroom flat in a not very nice area. I’d be working purely to pay the bills — so I told my parents I’d take up their offer.
I’m the middle child, and my older sister was a bit apprehensive about it all, asking if I was sure it was a good idea. She was concerned for all of us that it might not work out. Financially, though, I didn’t have another option. I moved in with Mum and Dad in August 2019.
We hadn’t discussed whether it was temporary or permanent — they were just happy for me to be with them. Mum and Dad’s house is a four-bedroom, semi-detached property and I’m in what used to be my little brother’s bedroom, sleeping on a single bed with a pull-out mattress. While I could make it into a double, it would take up too much space.
Initially, it was weird to be in my brother’s room, which my parents had turned into a guest room. It’s got Mum’s cross-stitch pictures on the wall, and while I have moved out other things, such as lampshades and ornaments, I didn’t feel comfortable asking her to remove them.
Different ways
However, I’d brought some furniture from my former home, which helped me settle in. After years of having my own home, it can be difficult to live with someone else’s routine. Their day runs like clockwork: coffee is always at 10am and 6pm sharp.
I’m a neat freak, so in my own home I’d have a designated cleaning day. Mum will leave things out in the hallway or cups by the dishwasher, which makes me twitchy! I have to remind myself it’s her house. Not having my own kitchen is difficult, too. The kitchen is Mum’s domain. I’ve had to adapt to their routines, like having their main meal at lunchtime. And, yes, I’m lucky because Mum will often put a plate by for me, and she’s a great cook.
They do the shopping, while I contribute to bills and the food shop. Before I moved home, I was a healthy eater — but Dad loves chocolate, so there’s always some about. I try not to drink midweek, yet they open a bottle of wine most lunchtimes, so if I’ve had a hard day at work I’ll automatically pour myself a glass.
I’ve had to join a gym to keep my weight in check. The advantage of living with Mum and Dad is that the money I’m saving on rent I can spend on going out three nights a week.
When I get home in the evenings, I say hello and then head up to my room to catch up on admin. When I come back down to eat, I’ll usually stay to watch TV with them. Being at home does make me feel like a child again, although not in a negative sense. I feel as though I’m being looked after.
I don’t have any sort of love life to speak of and I’m not looking. It’s not something I would broach with Mum and Dad as we’re quite old-fashioned like that, but I do miss my marital home. During the first lockdown, I did look at the property market, but financially I can’t see a way around my situation.
There are times when I honestly think this is my future. Sometimes, I do see myself staying here until they’re older and me slipping into a caring role. Obviously, if I’m still here then, I’ll be able to repay their kindness.
‘Being at home makes me feel like a child again’
We’re a close family, so Elaine moving in was never going to be an issue. We rub along quite nicely together. Elaine cleans her own room and does her own washing. At weekends, she likes to help with the Sunday roast.
I do worry about her when she goes out and I find myself wondering when she’ll be home. We’d always said we’d love one of the children back home with us. Terry says we brought Elaine into the world and, even though she’s in her 50s, that responsibility never ends.
Fostering-agency placement officer Beverly Ezekiel, 63, has three children and four grandchildren. She lives in Buckhurst Hill, Essex, with her mum Gloria Burns, 85.
I was 22 when I first moved out of the family home, and I never expected to find myself back under Mum’s roof again. After my divorce in 2014, my ex agreed to pay the rent on a flat for my youngest daughter and me for a year. However, he couldn’t go on paying my rent forever.
We had run a business together, but after we split, I managed to get a job working two days a week in an office. My daughter eventually moved in with her boyfriend, but my future was looking uncertain.
When Mum made the offer, I jumped at the chance to move in. While Mum has a twobedroom flat, the spare room wasn’t set up as a bedroom. It’s full of fitted units and
I wasn’t able to move any of it.
Space issues
Having ruthlessly selected what I could take with me and what should go into storage, I was just able to get a single bed in there. I moved in in 2015. Over six years later, I’m still here! From those first days, we just got on with it.
However, I do have a wobble when I think about my grandchildren. I’d love to have them over for sleepovers but that just isn’t possible. The same goes with having friends over for dinner. There just isn’t the space.
I don’t have a love life, though at my age I should be dating. I did go on dating websites and friends have introduced me to men, but we never get past the third date because I don’t feel I can tell them that they can’t come back to mine because I live with my mum.
I would love to have my own home, but even though I work four days a week, I don’t earn good money and I couldn’t afford the rent. The past six years have been difficult; I don’t know what I’d do without Mum.
Beverly’s mum Gloria says:
I lost my husband 15 years ago and found myself on my own in a large flat, so I moved to a smaller one. If I’d have known then that Beverly would end up living with me, I’d never have downsized!
Now and again, we’ll have a disagreement, but we are both the type of woman who says what we need to say and get over it very quickly. I do feel for her. She should have her own place and be able to entertain family and friends. It’s not right that she’s in this situation, yet I’m more than happy to have Beverly living with me. It gives me a sense of security knowing that she isn’t on her own.
‘I jumped at the chance to move in’
Helen Churchill, 56, is a mum-of-three and a trustee for a bereavement charity. She lives in St Albans, Hertfordshire, with her mum Wendy Dew, 83. When my husband Iain died from a rare form of lymphoma in 2015, aged just 49, it absolutely f loored us. As a mum-of-three, I knew that, at some point, I would have to sell the family home to release equity, but it was important for us all to deal with our grief in the home Iain had built.
So we stayed on for another six years, yet I knew that if we wanted to remain in St Albans, we’d have to downsize. When the house sold in February last year, it was never on the cards to move in with Mum, but there was very little on the market. I didn’t want a ‘that will do’ purchase.
Dad had died a month before I sold up, so when Mum said, ‘You can always come and live with me,’ it was a great option. I stopped looking the moment she suggested it, and the four of us — Harry is 25 and still lives at home, though he’s working, while Charlotte and Tom are at university — arrived a week after Dad’s funeral.
It’s a four-bedroom house, which means Charlotte and I have our own room and the boys share. Somehow it works. While I’m out several nights a week with friends or at classes, we’ll still have cosy wine nights in together.
We’re both very tidy, and we’re all on our own schedules. I’m very lucky I can treat Mum’s home as my own — but I’m mindful that it isn’t. Having raised three kids, Mum hasn’t minded having the children around, although there have been moments that have taken her by surprise, like the night the boys were up cooking French fries at 2am and the smoke detector went off.
When Harry is late getting home, Mum and I are both still awake in bed listening out for his key in the door. Mum has a good social life, too, and if she’s later than she said she’d be, I find myself wondering ‘Do I need to call her?’ It’s a strange role reversal.
Moving on
There have been moments when I’ve wanted to be in our home — I really miss my own space, being able to play music loudly, and, weirdly, I miss my own saucepans. So, though this is working out, I have put in an offer on a house. It feels right to move on. I can’t stay in the nest forever.
Helen’s mum Wendy says:
When Helen couldn’t find anything else, my two other children joked she would end up moving in with me. I could see
I had to say it to Helen before she needed to ask — and I’m glad I offered. My husband died in January last year, but he’d been in a home for two years beforehand and I’d got used to living on my own.
When the four of them arrived, I was surprised at how much stuff they had and how big everything was — especially those televisions! Life has changed dramatically with three of us living together, yet we plod along nicely.
I’ve got my routine and it hasn’t changed. My grandchildren are mindful of me. While I’ll be happy to wave them off and get my home back in order, there will be a bit of a void when they go. However, I’ll certainly be pleased to have my washing machine and kitchen back.
‘We have cosy wine nights in together’