‘I’M MORE AMBITIOUS FOR PLEASURE’
Getting physical is not just a young person’s game
Our children and grandchildren hate us talking about it, and it may come as a surprise to them, but (shock, horror!) when it comes to sex, we don’t just stop as we get older!
In fact, for many, sex becomes better with age. And yet, assumptions that sex is ‘just for the young’ mean doctors are dismissing the concerns of people in their 50s and 60s, experts have warned. Those in middle age fear seeking help for their sexual health, due to concerns of being judged as ‘sex maniacs’.
But women, whatever their age, should not feel ashamed about their sexual desires. In the past three decades, divorce rates in the over-60s have doubled, leaving many pursuing passion later in life. Studies show sex three times a week can make women look up to 10 years younger, due to the boost of hormones triggered during intercourse. But with minimal risk of pregnancy, older, heterosexual people take more risks with their sexual health, and there has been a 20% rise in STIS like gonorrhoea and chlamydia in the over-65s.
Having an active, healthy sex life is good for blood pressure, muscle tone and the cardiovascular system, improves physical and mental health, and increases life expectancy. Talking about sex is one way to end the taboo surrounding sex and ageism. Woman speaks to one lady who debunks the myth that your sex life should retire when you do…
Liz Hoggard, 60, lives in London
Before lockdown I was sent a phishing email by a man who said he had taken control of my computer and I needed to pay him a huge sum. I was terrified – until he said, ‘And I have all your naked photos.’ Then I howled with laughter. There are no naked pictures. My generation don’t go in for such things. No photos, no flirty videos. We are far too cautious.
It turned out my online supermarket account had been hacked so it was a relief to know my prudishness had saved the day. But slightly sad. Single, in my late 50s, and in the thick of internet dating, I assumed
I was never going to be a sexual pioneer. I decided it was best to look for a kind person – a librarian in a cardigan, maybe – and focus on books and conversation. Sexual chemistry wasn’t everything, I told myself. But fast-forward three years, and things are a little different. My 61-year-old boyfriend and I may have met later in life, but dating when the two of you are older can be hot. I’ve found sex is better than in my 20s and 30s, because I’m more honest about my body, but also more ambitious for pleasure. Before we even got near the bedroom, we had an honest chat life about how things might not go brilliantly the first time. ‘Or the second or third time,’ he joked. If sexual intimacy is a slow burn at the beginning – and you laugh about it – it can be hugely bonding. But when pleasure becomes your joint project, then ‘hurrah!’. That means a greater focus on outercourse, rather than just the ‘whambam-thank you, maam’, moments.
The body is ageing in real time, of course, for both of us. I owe everything I know about mature love to my friend, women’s hormone specialist Dr Marion Gluck, who introduced women like me to oestrogen creams such as Estriol and Vagifem. These you apply just before lift-off to relieve symptoms of vaginal dryness. And my millennial friends are amazed our generation didn’t cotton on to the power of lubricant earlier.
‘It can be hugely bonding’
Fun and understanding
My partner and I both live separately, as his 17-year-old daughter lives with him, and I’m out most nights with friends. Friday night is a ‘date fortress’ where we gossip, catch up and go to bed together. The interesting thing is that sleep, not sex, can divide. Snoring and body temperature are issues for us, and to my great sadness, maturity does not make men desire nighties. My bloke would happily torch my collection of flattering slips – but how else is a 50-plus woman supposed to go to bed with a new lover?