‘WE WERE SILENT SEETHERS’

Lois Goodman, 43, lives in Stanmore, London.

When I first met my husband Daniel, we were amazed by how much we had in common. Our parents knew each other before we were born, and we’d even been to the same school, though he was two years older and, somehow, our paths never crossed. He was 23, a business development manager, while I was 21 and worked in admin. We’re both Jewish and felt comfortably in sync, wanting our future family to have a similar upbringing to ours.

However, no honeymoon period lasts forever and life’s stresses kick in. Much as we loved our first son, he rarely slept for more than 10 minutes at a time. Daniel struggled with the lack of sleep and, while I could just about function, it made me moody. I swallowed my irritation as much as possible. It was often the small things that irked. Daniel wasn’t fussed about regular mealtimes, which were important to me. ‘It’s time for lunch,’ I’d say. ‘I’m not bothered,’ he’d shrug. ‘What about me?’ I’d silently fume.

Life got busier when we had a baby girl. Another sore spot was finding wet clothes in the machine when Daniel had promised to sort out the washing. We both brooded in different ways. I was more traditionally Jewish, and wanted only kosher food in our home. Once, when I found him eating a very non-kosher cheeseburger, I told him how annoyed I was. He sulked for days.

We knew each other inside out, but hadn’t worked out how to stop being silent seethers and communicate frustrations in a healthy way. Everything changed when we lost our third child to pneumonia, aged 10 weeks. With a four-year-old and a one-year-old to care for, the world had to continue, but grief made me numb and disconnected. We were both under terrible strain and realised we needed help. With the help of Child Bereavement UK, we started therapy and gradually learnt to live alongside our loss. Rather than bottling up emotions and letting resentment build, we learnt to recognise when we needed to talk. When we’re under stress now, we use calming techniques, such as breathing in for four counts, holding for four, then slowly releasing for eight. We’ll exercise and watch meditation videos on Youtube together. We had another baby three years ago, I retrained as a life coach, and I co-host a podcast called Sh*t to Sunshine. We’re not angels and, like all couples, we still get irritated with each other occasionally, but now we spot the signs and deal with it. The barriers have come down and we’re closer than ever. ✱ You can find Lois on Instagram @loisgtransformationcoach

‘The barriers have come down now’