The truth about sex and dating… in your 60s
It can be very, very fun, once you get past the boring men and liars – according to writer Wendy Gregory, 61. She shares her advice... ‘Don’t I deserve some fun?’
These days people are living longer and in better health than ever. But there’s something else that’s on the rise too – divorce. At least for the over 60s.
While there are plenty of clubs and groups you can join – all aimed at widening your friendship circle – what about relationships, and more importantly to some, sex?
Well, a recent study revealed more than half of over 65s want to have more of it – and it seems they are.
Here, we speak to one woman who embraced dating apps and explored her passionate side... Wendy Gregory, 61, lives in Windsor When I first met my partner our sex life was great, but, very gradually, things started to slow down. Lots of people will be familiar with the reasons – work, tiredness – and with so many other things to keep afloat, sex fell further down the list of priorities. Despite me still craving that intimacy after 18 years together, he stopped even trying, and the last four years of our relationship were spent celibate. The problem was, I wasn’t ready to give up on my sex life and I realised I was very unhappy. I missed the intimacy we’d shared and I couldn’t continue to be in a relationship with someone who was, essentially, now just my friend. Soon after, we split up. At 59, of course, I was terrified, so much of my identity was being someone’s partner. But part of me was excited about the prospect of starting over – of being physically attracted to someone, and having that feeling reciprocated. Only, when I spoke to some of my married female friends, I was shocked to hear they had no interest in physical relationships. They were quite happy to spend their evenings in front of the TV sitting in silence with their husbands, or alone.
I couldn’t understand it. With my children then aged 23 and 27, I was no longer on call as their unpaid taxi driver, and despite still working as a psychologist and writer, I still had time to focus on myself.
Sugar mummy
Far from feeling frumpy and old, I felt youthful and fit. Didn’t I deserve some fun? But, while I had the right attitude, it didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous. The last time I’d been on a date was 20 years ago.
Back then you’d meet people in bars or through friends. In the last two decades the dating game had changed significantly – romance was now determined by the swipe of a screen on apps like Tinder and Plenty of Fish.
I had no option but to give them a try, so I spoke to my friend Linda about setting up a dating profile online. She’d been dating for a while – and had plenty of advice.
‘Lie about your age,’ she said. ‘Most men have a cut-off of 55.’
But the idea made me feel uncomfortable. Deciding against it, instead, I selected the most flattering photos of myself and wrote that I loved socialising and meeting new people, and posted my profile online.
I got only a smattering of responses
and most of them made me blush – one man in his 20s told me he was looking for a sugar mummy!
Shocked, I wondered what could this man possibly possess to make me want to shower him with expensive gifts?
Others opened the conversation with invitations for sex. Although I was looking for an intimate relationship, I also wanted there to be an emotional connection, and I regarded the idea that people could treat me so cheaply as an insult.
Clearly, Linda had been right after all, so, the following day, I took five years off my age.
With the same photos and same profile only now aged 54, I got lots of requests.
But after countless evenings with boring men who in real life were nothing like their online profiles, I soon realised it’s not just women who lie about their age. And, I learnt older men weren’t necessarily the most gentlemanly, either.
On one date with a 60-something, we’d just sat down when he said, ‘Shall we just get a bottle of wine and go back to mine?’ I left pretty quickly – alone.
I thought I might never find someone I liked, but then, after several months on the site, a handsome stranger sent me a message. He was refreshingly attractive and charming, so I agreed to go out on a date with him.
We met at a bar and the chemistry was instant. While he wasn’t my ideal man, I found myself thinking what it would be like to kiss him. To be honest, to sleep with him. Even better, he made it clear he found me sexually attractive. Before the end of the date, we’d already agreed to meet again. Not wanting to appear too ‘easy’, I resolved to wait until at least the third date before we slept together. This was much tougher than you think – it seemed that my years of pent-up, repressed sexual desire had been unleashed and I really couldn’t think of anything else. Amid the thrill, I was deeply anxious as the third date approached. It’d been 20 years since I’d experienced first-time sex with someone. And while I believed myself to be in fairly good shape, those years had taken the toll on my body, with everything heading south. I’d also heard horror stories about how groomed men these days expect you to be!
Maturity and confidence
But regardless (and yes, after a painful afternoon of waxing and plucking), the sex was just as good as I’d hoped. I was further comforted when he followed up our liaison with a number of flattering text messages. We continued our thrilling romance for four months before we decided to, mutually, go our separate ways.
After more dates and a relationship, I met a new man online. We clicked... And we’ve been together ever since! Being older means we both have the maturity and confidence to say what we do or don’t like in the bedroom, which definitely makes sex more satisfying.
I learnt a lot during my year of dating, I realised men still found me attractive, despite my age – and that most of them are just as insecure about their ageing bodies as we are about ours. Once you realise that, sex really can be incredible.
‘i took five years off my age’
‘Pent-up desire had been unleashed’