‘Self-harm would become a coping mechanism’
Maggy Van Eijk, 28, is a journalist and author of Remember This When You’re Sad (£14.99, Bonnier Books LTD). She lives in London with her partner and her daughter, Astrid.
I self-harmed for the first time when I was 16. I was a shy, insecure teenager and even now I can remember that brief endorphin rush as I broke my skin and red liquid trickled across my thigh. But it was almost instantly replaced by fear; I was worried I’d unlocked something I could never go back from, which was true. Self-harm would become a coping mechanism for me for the next 10 years.
Like many young teenage girls, I had been self-harming before this age but in ways I didn’t realise fell under the ‘self-harm’ bracket. I binged and purged food, abused alcohol and sometimes took as many ibuprofens as my belly could handle. Self-harm seemed to stem from the fact that I had a lot of anger. I’d always been a scrawny, flat-chested girl and I liked being a wallflower. It felt more comfortable for me to disengage from the popularity contest at school. Then puberty happened. Breasts, thighs and hips seemed to sprout out of nowhere. I noticed boys looking down my top and lewd remarks from grown men made my face flush. Suddenly, I was being noticed in a way I wasn’t comfortable with. I felt betrayed by my body. Perhaps if I’d been a boy people would have encouraged me to release my insecurities and anger on the football pitch or start boxing. Instead, the