Our columnist Dawn Neesom
It’s the nation’s guilty pleasure but the UK bringing home the trophy this year is up for debate...
It’s almost here! That annual event where we truly get to learn exactly how much Europe REALLY hates us. Forget moans over Brexit – you haven’t heard anything until you’ve witnessed another sneering, glossy presenter from an obscure corner of the continent awarding the UK ‘nul’ points with a fake concern rarely seen outside the House of Commons. We are, of course, talking Eurovision Song Contest. A political war zone dressed up as a Gay Pride song contest. And it’s absolutely brilliant. Forget guilty pleasures, this torture of appalling songs by hilariously awful acts and even worse hosts is unmissable. Especially given that Saturday night telly has currently set such a low bar for standards it would challenge even the world’s best limbo dancers.
After being hit by COVID-19 restrictions in 2020, this year’s Eurofest is coming live from Rotterdam on 22 May and they’ve promised to pull out all ‘le stops’. Thankfully our very own Graham Norton will be doing the commentary for the UK, which is worth tuning in for alone. That man could read out his shopping list and have you rolling about. Deliciously dry, scathing and yet still warm, he captures just the right amount of incredulous disbelief at the whole farce.
There are 39 acts – yes, 39! – taking part, which means that you can work out exactly how long it’s going to go on for as well as how much wine you need to get through it.
A friend of mine turns it into a – socially distanced this year, obvs – drinks party and tries to track down
‘THE UK HAS WON IT FIVE TIMES’
a beverage to sip for every country taking part. Which means by the end of it, he neither knows nor cares who wins what or even who he actually is for that matter.
The UK entry this year is James Newman with Embers. And - whisper it - it’s actually not too bad. James won a BRIT in 2014 for British Single of the Year for a song he cowrote with drum-and-bass band Rudimental. So he clearly knows his stuff.
Obviously by the time the French, Germans, Spanish and Dutch have finished with it, Embers will be burnt embers. And toast. Our only hopes - as usual - rest with Ireland, Cyprus and Malta.
The theme for this year’s contest is ‘Openup’ and it’s all about diversity and acceptance. The contest has been going since 1956 and in 2016 an astonishing global audience of 204 million tuned in. Ireland remains the most successful country with seven wins, followed by Sweden with six. Incredibly, despite our nulpoints reputation, the UK has won it five times. But then so has Luxembourg, and bet you can’t name a single one of their winners either, can you?
The UK last won Eurovision in 1997 with Katrina and the Waves Love Shine A Light. And it truly was a great British victory as lead singer Katrina was, er, American.
What’s your opinion? Tell Dawn on Twitter @Dawnneesom