‘The man I love is disappearing in front of me’
Emma Ruscoe, 54, lives in Solihull with her husband Simon, 58, and their two children Alex, 24, and Oliver, 20
It was Simon’s bright-blue eyes that first drew me to him when friends introduced us back in 1992. He was quiet yet humorous, and after two fun-filled years together, we got married, our futures entwined forever.
We spent the next couple of years socialising and travelling the world before our son Alex was born in 1997 and then Oliver in 2001. Simon was a handson dad, always helping with the nappy changes and the school runs. I loved watching him playing football in the garden with the boys, their laughter echoing into the house. He was a fantastic role-model, too – always keeping them in check on their manners.
LITTLE CHANGES
As the boys grew older, we shared many happy family holidays, and during the summer of 2016, we flew out to Kefalonia in Greece. By then, the boys were old enough to be left at the hotel while we took the rental car out.
One day, on our way to a local beach, Simon and I were having a laugh about what the boys were up to, joking about what they would have for lunch while we were out for the day, as they had eaten the same thing all holiday.
Yet, all of a sudden, Simon repeated the exact words he’d said around 15 seconds earlier. ‘You just said that,’ I said, the situation suddenly not feeling so funny. ‘No I didn’t,’ he replied, throwing me a confused look. We debated it for the rest of the journey before eventually dropping it. Yet, to me, something felt very, very wrong.
Back home, I persuaded a reluctant Simon to see a doctor, but he was told it was just related to work stress.
Over the next year, however, I started to notice little changes in him. He would forget things or sometimes get his words muddled. I have always said he must’ve been a map maker in his previous life, as he was so great at directions, but suddenly he was getting us lost on trips out.
He started to become withdrawn, no longer
wanting to join his colleagues for drinks and seeming vacant during conversations with the boys.
‘Something’s not right,’ I said to Simon one day. ‘I’m absolutely fine,’ he argued. Even my mum Rhoda and the boys said I was overthinking it.
But as time went on, it became obvious even to Simon as he battled mild confusion.
And, after countless trips to the doctor and a referral that took eight months to emerge, Simon underwent memory tests and physical assessments.
STAYING POSITIVE
On 21 January 2020, four years since those first symptoms appeared, he was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s. He was only 56.
It was a huge shock to everyone, but for me it was a relief to finally have an answer. I’d seen my husband slowly deteriorating and now I knew why.
The boys were devastated. While Alex, then 22, was willing to talk about it, Oliver, 18, avoided the subject. Luckily, we had support from our family, my mum and friends.
For the first 18 months after Simon’s diagnosis, I tried to shelter the boys from their father’s deterioration, but it became impossible to hide.
Now, Simon can be very forgetful at times. He loses track of conversations and what he is meant to be doing. He can still do everything for himself in terms of his care, but he needs reminders, and we face daily challenges. Simon can no longer work in IT management, and has stopped driving.
Even so, we try to be positive, laughing as much as we can and looking for solutions to allow him to live well with dementia.
I feel as though I’m enduring a living grief, watching the man I adore disappear in front of my eyes. I dread it, but I know that one day soon I will become Simon’s carer, not just his wife any more.
For me and the boys, we know all those incredible memories we’ve made as a family will keep us going through the hardest times. Our greatest fear is the day he might forget who we are entirely. But for now, I make the most of every day I spend with Simon.
I try not to dwell on what the future now holds – we will face it as a family when it comes. No matter what, I’ll always see those beautiful blue eyes I fell in love with 30 years ago and be reminded of the life we’ve shared and the chance we’ve got to make the most of the time we still have.
‘WE LAUGH AS MUCH AS WE CAN’