‘You finally realise how much he did for you’
Rebecca writes to herself, aged 29, on the day of her father’s death in 2019. Dear Rebecca,
Dad is dead and, annoyingly, people are expecting you to do something about it. Something other than cry big sobs and feel queasy and be hugged tightly by strange people. Welcome to dadmin. You have jobs to do. The good news is that Mum needs a project manager, you love a to-do list and you don’t have to do everything straight away. A distraction – hurrah!
To begin, you are expected to go to strangers and ask them to put Dad into a big soil pit. You have to get some bits of paper they call certificates, which is weird because you don’t feel like anyone’s achieved much. You’ll make phone calls, send forms, text messages, emails, and the district nurse will still turn up because the health centre forgot to tell them that Dad is otherwise engaged.
You finally realise how much he did for you – and he didn’t even moan about it! He could very well be testing you – just this month, the smoke alarm expires, the spare room’s paint starts flaking and the biblical downpouring of leaves in the garden isn’t going to clear itself.
You start to find it enjoyable. Discoveries include the satisfaction of power washing, a talent for power drills and an appreciation for the humble wellington boot.
You chat away with Dad and dance to his music as you go. Sometimes you stand looking out to the garden with your cup of tea in hand – and it looks great. People ask you to hang a mirror in the bathroom, strip wallpaper, build furniture. You became handy and you didn’t even know it!
There’s a little twinkle of pride. ‘Don’t half-a**e any job,’ Dad would say. ‘Take pride in everything you do.’
So don’t half-a**e your grief, cry your eyes out. Don’t half-a**e how you remember him, he was so much more than his illness.
And don’t half-a**e your dadmin, because it gives you purpose and the space to be with Dad again.
One day you’ll look back on all of this and think, ‘Wow, that’s almost as good a job as Dad would do!’
Letters From The Grief Club: How We Live With Loss (£9.99, Jessica Kingsley Publishers), edited by Beth French and Kate Moreton, is available now
‘YOU HAVE JOBS TO DO – HURRAH!’