‘We didn’t expect it to work’ ‘So many dodgy donors’

Zoe Rhodes, 30, and her wife Katie, 26, found their sperm donor online. Since my partner Katie and I got together in October 2016, we had discussed starting a family in the future. We looked into fostering and adoption before we decided that using donor sperm would be our best option. But, seeing the price, I winced. ‘It looks expensive,’ I sighed to Katie. It was going to cost up to £3,000 just for one specimen, with no guarantee it would work.

The next week, a friend mentioned they knew someone who’d found a sperm donor through Facebook. At first, I was apprehensive, but we decided there was no harm in looking, so we joined a Uk-based sperm donor group and, after a year of research and many discussions, we finally posted, explaining we were looking for a man who lived near South Wales, but we were willing to travel.

I got chatting to a man from Scotland. He was 50 years old with fair, sandy hair, green eyes and a lovely smile. He had a good job, a clear STI test and had donated before, after seeing his own sister struggling to find a donor.

As I’d need genetic screening because of a hereditary condition, we agreed that Katie would carry the baby if we found a donor. After chatting for a few weeks, we found a date that aligned with Katie’s ovulation, in June 2020. We were nervous that our donor’s first sample wouldn’t work, and living so far away, he couldn’t easily make repeat donations.

FIRST TIME LUCKY!

The process was easy, if a little awkward. After polite small talk, I handed him a small plastic tub. Meanwhile, Katie and I tried not to concentrate on what was happening in our upstairs bathroom. After a few minutes, our donor emerged with his sperm sample and left.

We didn’t expect it to work on our first try but, to our excitement, two weeks later Katie had a positive pregnancy test. Now we have a healthy 15-month-old girl, and couldn’t be happier. Our donor didn’t want contact, but asked for regular updates during the pregnancy and said he’d be happy to provide another sample, which we’ll consider in a couple of years.

Finding a donor online may not be for everyone, but for many it’s a last resort. Not everyone will be as lucky as us, but we’re so glad we took the chance.

Lauren*, 30, and her husband Richard*, 48, had a bad experience with social media sperm donors.

As my husband Richard and I stood nervously in our kitchen, we could barely muster a word between us. We’d been searching for months for a sperm donor and, after some bad experiences, we’d finally found someone we thought perfect. Now he was in our bathroom and would soon hand over the sample that might just be the start of the family we desperately yearned for.

Only, there was suddenly a loud clattering sound from behind the bathroom door. Richard and I looked at each other bewildered, but I tried not to worry. Yes, we’d met the donor on social media and yes, the conversation had been awkward when he’d arrived, but it was the nature of the situation. And we had to remember that we’d chosen this donor because he seemed friendly and kind online.

He finally emerged 20 minutes later and we were so excited to start the insemination process. But after he left and we went into the bathroom, we saw that our cupboards were open, with toiletries out of place, as if they’d been rummaged through. We felt violated and knew we couldn’t use his sample.

AT THE MERCY OF STRANGERS

It was the last straw. After a 10-month rollercoaster of dodgy donors and seven separate inseminations, we gave up on social media sperm donors.

It had all started back in 2014, when we discovered reversing Richard’s vasectomy would cost around £3,000. IVF was even more expensive, so we ruled that out too.

I was scared at first about using social

media to find a donor, but reading the success stories gave me hope.

Our first potential donor sounded amazing. He had kids with his current partner but wanted to help. Only, after a couple of unsuccessful attempts, he totally ghosted us without explanation.

Another dodgy donor seemed nice at first but became pushy, demanding ‘natural insemination’ only, which, of course, I refused. Then we had the man rummaging through our cupboards.

After that, I discovered another Facebook group full of would-be parents sharing their bad experiences with donors. From seedy men just wanting sex to scammers taking advantage, we weren’t the only ones feeling let down.

Now we’ve decided to put our hunt on hold. For us, the trauma and disappointment of trusting complete strangers with such an intimate experience was too much to handle.