‘I hope to spare a family from this bottomless grief’
Elspeth Benden, 58, lives in Bristol with her husband Chris, 50, and their children Thomas, 21, and Ella, 19.
The old chocolate-brown pram was all I could afford. But as I pushed it so proudly along the street in October 1984, I didn’t care. Who’d be looking at that ugly thing with such a beautiful baby inside? And my Andrew was beautiful.
I was 20 and a single mum, and from the moment Andrew arrived, he was my whole world.
I taught him to ice skate when he was four, and when he left school, he worked at the local rink. He’d sneak me in after the centre had closed and we’d skate with disco tunes blaring. He was so easy to love, my boy. So it was no surprise when he told me about Becci. He was nearly 20 when they fell in love. By then, I had married Chris, and we’d had two children, Thomas in July 2001, and
Ella in August 2003.
HEARTBROKEN
Andrew and Becci married in June 2007 and two years later, in November 2009, Andrew tenderly handed me my first grandchild, Ava. I loved seeing him settled and happy with his little family.
In September 2014, Andrew popped into the Costco where I worked. ‘Love you, Mum!’ he called out as he left. ‘Love you, too,’ I thought with a smile.
A few days later, I was at home when Becci rang, frantic. Andrew had been taken ill on the motorway with his boss. Chris rang Warrington Hospital and from the kitchen came a heart-wrenching cry.
My beloved son had died at just 29. He’d said he was having a moment and then he was gone. My heart ached for Becci and little Ava. Andrew had been so fit and healthy. How had his life just ended?
FEELING LOST
We walked from the funeral to Andrew’s favourite song, Rapper’s Delight by The Sugarhill Gang. ‘They’re playing Daddy’s music, Nana,’ Ava, then four, said. ‘We have to dance.’ All I wanted to do was crumple to the ground but managed a little sway for her sake. She didn’t understand Daddy was gone forever.
At the inquest, the coroner ruled that Andrew had died from unexplained natural causes. Andrew’s heart was healthy but stopped. It was called sudden arrhythmic death syndrome (SADS) and it kills around 500 people a year in the UK, usually teenagers or young adults.
The verdict made me feel worse. With no reason for my son’s death, how could I make sense of it? I needed four months off work as I struggled with my grief. When I got back, I was down for first-aid training in using a defibrillator. ‘I can’t do it,’ I said. People had tried one on Andrew, but it had been too late.
The trainer explained his friend died on a golf course, and a defibrillator might have saved him. Hearing the sorrow in his voice, I realised I could channel my pain into something positive, too.
So I began fundraising, beginning with £3,000 from a sponsored head shave. I used the money for a defibrillator in Clevedon, Somerset, where Andrew lived and had been a volunteer coastguard.
Just before Christmas 2019, I had a call to say a young dad had fallen ill while swimming and the defibrillator saved his life. Andrew would have been so proud of me. Now I keep busy fundraising for more machines. I can’t bring back my son, but maybe I can spare another family from this bottomless grief.
‘I DECIDED TO TURN MY PAIN INTO A POSITIVE’