I don’t want her looking after my kids
Dear Keren
My mother-in-law looks after my three children (aged seven to 11) after school three days a week when I work. She’s done so since they were little and I’m very grateful to her. My husband and I said from the outset that we don’t believe in smacking and we’ve never smacked our children. Last week, my mother hit my daughter. I know she can be cheeky and sometimes a bit rude, but that is no excuse. I told her to leave and that I don’t want her near the kids. My husband says I’m overreacting and they have to abide by her rules when she’s looking after them.
Name and address withheld O ne issue is your mother-in-law asking the children to respect her and to do what she asks, and the other is her behaving in a way that you as parents have stated clearly that you don’t want. A carer is in loco parentis and therefore needs to follow the guidelines and rules set down by the parents. A carer isn’t in a position where they can change the rules, even if they are family. But, if your mother-in-law has looked after the children well for all these years, something untoward must have happened to provoke her to respond in this way.
It sounds like you both overreacted, her to your daughter and you to her. I think you need to find out what prompted her to hit your daughter, acknowledge, if this is the case, that your daughter had behaved badly and then talk with her about the ways you’d respond to this sort of behaviour. Make sure she knows that you don’t expect your children to be disobedient, but that you have clear boundaries about the way an adult can treat a child and that doesn’t include smacking them. I think it’s important for both of you to apologise for overreacting. If she doesn’t feel she’s done anything wrong, you’ll need to consider if she’s the best person to look after them.