Tackling loneliness is not just for Christmas
Millions of us feel lonely – and not just at Christmas. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel author Deborah Moggach talks about her own experience and offers some solutions
13% of people aged 55+ speak to someone on only three or four days a week 13% feel lonely all the time
It can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, twice as damaging as obesity and increases the risk of high blood pressure, heart disease and strokes. Those affected are more likely to suffer depression, develop Alzheimer’s and die early. The name of this terrifying scourge on society? Loneliness.
Most of us have, at some point, been lonely. We know how painful it can feel to have nobody to turn to. If we’re lucky, it’s a passing phase. If we’re unlucky, it can be longer lasting. Retirement, bereavement, becoming a carer, loss of mobility, living on a lower income, family moving away… There are lots of reasons why we can become lonely.
The truth is: if you feel lonely, ironically, you’re not alone. One in 10 over-65s – one million people – always or often feel lonely. Do we admit it? No – 92% of us think it is hard to confess to being lonely, and eight out of 10 feel it is judged negatively. Deborah Moggach, award-winning author of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, wants to change that. She has joined forces with the Campaign to End Loneliness to make us all open up more. ‘Loneliness is a huge problem and the last taboo,’ she says. ‘We talk about death and cancer. We talk about sex and money. We don’t talk about being lonely. There really is a stigma. People feel embarrassed and ashamed. You feel people will think you’re not very interesting or attractive or you have bad breath.
‘There’s nothing wrong with people who’re lonely. It’s just circumstances that led to that situation. Sometimes we treat older people horribly. We shove them out of sight, make them feel surplus to requirements… We’ve divided them off into this other species.’
Tough time of year
At Christmas, loneliness is brought sharply into focus. We might invite older relations or neighbours for drinks or a meal, but they can soon slip from our minds after the celebrations. So why do we as a society often neglect older people, when – if we’re lucky – old age will come to us all eventually?
‘That’s the extraordinary thing,’ says Deborah. ‘I used to help at a pensioners’ Christmas lunch. One year, I was sitting chatting away to them, when the Mayor came round and gave me a Christmas card as well as the pensioners. I was rather discomfited. Then I thought: “What am I doing? I’m thinking of these people as recipients of my patronising largesse. Actually, they’re no different to anyone else.”
‘The success of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel shows that, if you have older people in a film, it needn’t all be about incipient dementia, strokes and death,’ she adds. ‘It can be about the fact that everyone is the same as they always were, and if you are up for an adventure, you can have one in your 70s and 80s.’
In the film, Dames Judi Dench, Maggie Smith and Penelope Wilton portray women who are vital, funny
and have much to offer. It shows there’s life in the old dog yet.
‘Exactly! And you might cop off with Bill Nighy…’ laughs Deborah. ‘There’s lots to look forward to, and because we’re healthier today – unless you’re unfortunately not – we have a huge raft of life after so-called retirement to be enjoyed.’
For the characters in Best Exotic, that meant moving to a retirement hotel in India. Deborah believes communal living is a great answer to loneliness. ‘My generation are thinking of ways to reinvent old age. I don’t look like a 69-year-old used to look. Nor do my friends. It’s different today. Most people I know want to live in a communal house, certainly people without partners. I know masses of women in their 70s and 80s who are gorgeous, feisty and don’t want to be alone.’
Deborah has had her own lonely times. The loneliest was from 60 to 65. ‘Socially, I wasn’t lonely. I was living in a house with other people I adored, I had my children and friends. But I didn’t come first with anybody. I was envious of older married couples walking hand in hand or going to the cinema. When you’re alone, you have to choose people to do things with; you don’t automatically have someone.’
Finding a companion
Her answer was internet dating. That’s how she met her husband, novelist Mark Williams. ‘I had fun,’ she says. ‘I heard interesting stories. I had a lot of dates, but only two affairs. One date took out his false teeth and put them in his pocket before he ate a meal with me. I thought that was a bit much,’ she laughs.
Social interaction is vital to combat loneliness. ‘We need to prioritise daily meeting places for older people and people living alone,’ says Deborah. ‘So you don’t just have somebody visiting once a month, but you have somewhere you can be every day. It’s an issue we can’t afford to ignore.’
84% of British people have felt lonely