Don’t let arguments become too personal

Q

My partner and I are arguing all the time. We both say we don’t like it but we are clearly getting on each other’s nerves. I need to find a way of expressing myself more calmly or heading off issues before they become rows.

Mary, Nottingham

A

When we’re fed up and arguing, we rarely think about the impact of what we’re saying. This is the opposite of what we should be doing.

Make a real effort to think carefully about what you want to say before you let anything rash just pop out. Focus on the reason you’re cross, not on your partner as

a whole. Telling someone they’re a louse, for instance, will only make them angry! On the other hand, explaining that you were upset when they went out with friends and didn’t call to tell you they’d be late will enable them to see things from your point of view. That way, you can resolve issues together without shouting at each other.

A good way to avoid arguing is to count

to 10 or even 100 before speaking – this gives you time to be more measured. Better still, don’t respond at the time, but come back to it later when you’re feeling cool, calm, and less likely to lose your temper.