A stitch IN TIME...

The village hold their version of The Repair Shop

The poet TS Eliot once spoke of a life being measured out in coffee spoons. This must be true because I heard it on a Radio 4 quiz show. In much the same way, the life of Mr Thomas Dear, former hardware-store owner, is measured out in episodes of Dad’s Army.

He can’t quote much in the way of poetry, which doesn’t crop up much in the hardware-store business, but he could do Quotations from Dad’s Army as his specialist subject on Mastermind.

The reason I mention this is because occasional episodes of Dad’s Army feature committees, formed to organise some charity event, or dance or similar occasion. You know the form. Captain Mainwaring is the chairman, and Warden Hodges is at the end of the table complaining, and Private Pike is told to sit down and be quiet.

Anyway, we also have very similar committees in our village hall when we want to raise funds for some reason or another. Jean from the Rotary Club is always the chairman, and this is what normally happens.

Jean: Right then, what shall we do this year?

Some bright spark: How about a local version of Britain’s Got Talent?

Second bright spark: We did that year ago.

Third bright spark: Have we done Bake Off?

Everybody: Yes. Twice!

Silence follows.

Man who doesn’t really watch TV: What’s the one with the shouty woman? Where she’s rude to all the contestants?

First bright spark: He means Anne Robinson.

Everybody: We have already done her!

Lady with quiet voice: The Repair Shop is very good.

Man who doesn’t really watch TV: I really only see University Challenge.

First bright spark: Yes, The Repair Shop is very good.

Second bright spark: We could raise a bit of money with a small charge for repairs, and it would be good for the environment.

Jean: Excellent idea. And we could do it here, in the village hall. All in favour?

General mumbles of approval reverberate.

Man who doesn’t really watch TV: So, what’s The Repair Shop?

Lance Corporal Jones, who’s come to the wrong meeting: Captain Mainwaring – I’d like to volunteer to repair the shop.

And so here we are in the village hall of a Saturday morning. I am providing tea and coffee and cakes, while Mr D is helping with repairs. He has so far fixed the chain on a child’s bike, renovated a rusty pair of garden shears, and breathed new life into some old secateurs.

As demand has now waned, he has turned his attention to a more personal project – the mast of the Golden Hind.

In Mr Dear’s younger days – and let’s face it, he has quite a lot of younger days – he was keen on making Airfix models. Over the years he has made a Spitfire, the QE2, the

Titanic and an E-type Jaguar. And these are just the highlights, you understand.

He keeps his collection in the loft, and happened to notice earlier this year that a mast was broken on the Golden Hind. ‘I’ll take it along to The Repair Shop and see if anybody has got any ideas,’ he said.

Here is what I have learnt about human nature. You can produce any amount of toasters, kettles, broken bikes and handy everyday stuff, and they can be repaired without a flicker of interest.

Produce the Golden Hind,

‘A bit of superglue will fix that’

however, and men will gather round like, well, bees around a ‘buy one, get one free’ supermarket offer on economy-size tubs of honey.

‘A bit of superglue will fix that.’

‘No, it’ll still leave it weak.’

‘Oh, is that the Mary Rose?’

‘A bit of masking tape will mend that.’

‘Didn’t you used to run the hardware place in town?’

‘Do you want that biscuit?’

‘What sort of idiot patches up an Elizabethan ship with masking tape?’

‘Who are you calling an idiot?’

‘Steady on.’

The problem was solved by superglue, and a small clipboard clip from the village hall office to hold the mast in place. And the suggestion from one of the men that he had a spare mast – as you do – from a ship that his grandson had failed to complete.

‘Look at that, love,’ he said, holding up the Golden Hind. ‘It’s been a good morning, a very successful event, I’d say. Everything fixed and working like new.’

With that, he sat down heavily on his glasses and broke them.

Rosie x