WHAT HAPPENS WHEN...

The shattered-but-smitten wholesome Instagram selfie is the picture of childbirth you’re most likely to encounter. And yet, rumours of shitting yourself float around like a rogue turd in a birthing pool. Buckle up

...you give birth?

STAGE DIRECTION

If every film you’ve ever seen has you believing the miracle of birth is over in minutes, grab a Kindle. ‘There are three stages of labour,’ says Dr Shazia Malik*, obstetrician and gynaecologist at The Portland Hospital, London. ‘During the latent phase, the cervix opens up; the second phase, known as active labour, involves pushing the baby out; and the third is the delivery of the placenta.’ How long you spend in each phase depends on many factors, such as whether it’s your first baby (subsequent births tend to be quicker) and whether you have an epidural (which can slow labour down).

PUSH IT REAL GOOD

Contracting: nope, not striking a legally binding deal with your partner re: bin duties, but the movement of the uterine muscles – which also wreak havoc during your period. ‘It’s the force of the uterine muscles contracting that makes the cervix – the neck of the uterus – thin and causes it to dilate,’ says Dr Malik. When the cervix is fully dilated (10cm), it’s time to push, or ‘engage your abdominal muscles, which help the uterine muscles push the baby out’. The transition into phase two – when the contractions are at their most intense – is thought to be the most painful. It’s called labour for a reason.

SHIT SHOW

This is one urban legend with legs. ‘Pushing is effectively like having a poo,’ confirms Dr Malik. ‘So, if you’ve got stool in your rectum and you’re straining, then the stool will also be pushed out.’ But while shit can, indeed, happen, vomiting is common, too, both as a pain response and because of the toll of childbirth on your digestive system. Forewarned is forearmed.

HEIR AND A TEAR

‘Crowning’ might sound regal, but don’t let that fool you. At this stage of labour, some degree of tearing between the vagina and anus occurs in 53% to 79% of vaginal deliveries. ‘You can lessen the risk by doing perineal massage from 34 weeks,’ says Dr Malik. ‘Use your thumb and finger to massage a little olive oil into the area between your anus and vulva. This will help it to stretch when the time comes.’

LOVE IS THE DRUG

Hormones: they’re the puppetmasters of getting the baby out. ‘Oxytocin is the main one involved during contracting and delivery,’ adds Dr Malik.

It’s the feel-good hormone and it also encourages bonding, which explains the overwhelming tug of love you feel for that small slimy creature in your arms.