COME AGAIN
Performance anxiety is something that only happens to people with penises, right? Incorrect. It’s about time you stopped putting the blocks on getting your rocks off
Is anxiety stopping you getting your rocks off?
There’s a tongue on your clitoris. It knows its way around your vulva like David Attenborough knows his chimpanzees, and nerve endings are firing. So why haven’t you come yet? You haven’t been counting the minutes, but if they were working their way through the alphabet, you suspect they’d be reaching Q by now – M, at the very least. You cast your eyes downwards, a reassuring glance that says, ‘I’ll come soon, I swear.’ But surfing a wave of pleasure isn’t easy when you’re wondering when your last wax was, how badly their jaw must be aching and what the view is really like down there. It’s female performance anxiety (FPA), and it’s as
effective at keeping you from coming as picturing a puce-faced president with his tiny hands all over you.
‘It’s anxiety about coming, or not being able to come,’ confirms sexologist (one for the careers fair) Dr Gloria Brame. The anxiety trigger could be that you’re fretting about taking too long to climax, whether you’re doing sex ‘right’, or a lingering issue with your partner.
Throw into the mix decades of internalised misogyny that’s left you convinced your bits are best left covered up, and it’s no wonder you’re freaking out about the proximity of someone else’s face to your clitoris.
‘The weight of those myths dissociates women from the pleasure they’re having,’ adds Dr Brame. ‘An off switch snaps, and orgasmic potential vanishes.’
What’s responsible for your pleasure going up in a puff of smoke is that old killjoy cortisol. Released when you feel anxious, cortisol suppresses the feel-good brain chemicals normally activated during arousal. Physically? The same anxious dread you’d feel walking into a train carriage and spotting an ex gets channelled into your vagina (read: tense, to the point that penetration can
feel uncomfortable). And even if you go through the right motions, so to speak, a mind in fight-or-flight mode stops registering erotic sensations in the body. ‘Orgasmic anxiety makes you unable to stay focused on pleasure because you’re constantly distracted by random thoughts,’ adds Dr Brame. ‘You feel like you’re watching yourself doing it, rather than enjoying doing it.’ Anxiety is then cemented when your default reaction to an AWOL orgasm is to point the finger back at yourself.
GENDER LAY GAP
The first step to overcoming performance anxiety is to quit thinking it’s only valid when it happens to men. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done, given that Hollywood plot lines, cheap gags at comedy nights and plentiful Youtube ads about erectile dysfunction have convinced us of the contrary. Sex educator Chris Rose, cofounder of Pleasure Mechanics – a resource centre for how-to sex videos and podcast series – believes it’s a common gender bias. ‘Because there isn’t an overt erection for women, you can’t see that the arousal system isn’t working,’ she explains. ‘But know that it makes total sense that your emotions inhibit arousal.’ Anxiety’s brake-slamming effect on your sex drive is particularly common with a new partner. ‘So many questions go through your head: do they find me attractive? Is this the kind of sex they want? And all the while you’re probably naked, or getting there, so of course anxieties flare up.’
If you find yourself in a threesome with you, your partner and anxiety (a clear sign that FPA is robbing you of a good time is quick and shallow breathing when you’re nowhere near climax), slow things down. Actively turn your attention to inhaling and exhaling, deeply and slowly, as you would when meditating. This diffuses tension and refocuses your mind on sensations over thoughts. Rose also recommends activating slo-mo mode on shenanigans. ‘It’s common to feel like you have bases to tick off, but staying in “make-out mode” (that’s reaching orgasm or a high state of arousal without intercourse – use your imagination) and noticing what your body does when you slow down can be helpful.’
Relaxation. If it sounds about as hot and heavy as watching Downton Abbey with your parents, it’s actually the emotional state that keeps you in the moment. ‘Sexual excitement and sexual nervousness are similar,’ adds Rose. ‘The difference is that when you’re excited, you’re also a little bit relaxed, breathing fully and able to stay present; when you’re afraid, you tense up around that excitement, your breathing constricts and you start projecting into the future.’ Example: ‘We could go at this until next Tuesday and I still wouldn’t come.’
Interestingly, you can use your surroundings to get your climax clairvoyant back on side. A whiff of valerian root oil can lower frantic activity by boosting your levels of a Zen-promoting neurotransmitter called gammaaminobutyric acid (not one to try to spell mid-shag). Or upgrade on your Ikea tea lights and burn a lavenderscented massage candle. They melt at a lower temperature and turn into oil – meaning they relax you via their scent and when brushed on to your body as an ahh-that-feels-goooood massage balm.
COMING ROUND TO IT
If your mind still won’t STFU, identify which orgasmimpeding anxieties you can actually deal with. The fear of getting an STI or an unwanted pregnancy, for example, can be addressed by finding contraceptive methods that work for you. Similarly, if it’s technique that’s missing the spot(s), expand bedroom dialogue beyond their sheepish, ‘Er, did you come?’ Keep communication flowing like a fine Sauvignon. We won’t teach you to suck eggs (or toes), but gentle directives like ‘keep going ’ and ‘right there’ can go a long way. Even the anxious script in your head can be reworded. Reframe the story that it’s hard for you to climax (‘it’s been ages, I bet they’re getting bored’) with some positive self-publicity (‘this feels really good, I know they like doing it’). If your clitoris had pom-poms, you know it would be waving them.
As with the life ruminations that can make getting out of bed feel like taking on Kilimanjaro in espadrilles, accept that there are some in-bed emotions that you have to make peace with. Such as? Well, take body image. Hating on your naked parts can be powerful enough to screw with your arousal to the point where you avoid sex altogether, found a study in the Journal Of Sexual Medicine. ‘I call it making friends with the anxieties,’ says Rose. Think of it as being kind rather than cutesy – it’s noticing an anxiety is there, but then setting it aside rather than blasting it on repeat like an advert jingle. ‘This calms the emotion down, so you can still be present to the physical experience,’ adds Rose. In short, there is a way back from, ‘Nothing to see here,’ to, ‘Oh, hang on. Oh. Ohhhh…’ Now, back to that tongue...
‘So many questions go through your head: do they find me attractive? Is this the kind of sex they want?’