Can comparison coaching help you break a toxic habit?
The unparalleled access we now have to each other’s lives is creating a new kind of toxic habit. But can you ever really be cured of sizing yourself up against everyone else? One chronic comparer finds out
I’ve always had a tendency to over-compare. At my lowest ebb in adult life, I’ve felt bitter pangs towards my best friends who already have all the things I want one day – a big house, a seemingly happy marriage, cute kids. But my comparison anxiety runs much deeper. Being both plus-size and a woman of colour, I’ve always felt ‘othered’ in the society in which I grew up. Now, after a decade of working in the original Mecca of comparison – women’s magazines – I feel like I’ve got serious comparison issues.
Wanting to free myself from this cloud of negativity, I sign up for a Skype session with Lucy Sheridan, the UK’S only ‘comparison coach’ and author of The Comparison Cure (£14.99, Orion Spring). Having experienced serious comparison anxiety herself after a school reunion, Sheridan decided to leave her career in advertising to retrain as a life coach. And while those two words often leave me sceptical, Sheridan uses recognised cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to tackle the issue of comparison. Today, her typical clients are mainly women in corporate and creative industries aged 25 to 35 – paying £444 for a 12-week course of weekly online group coaching sessions, which works out at £37 a week – who notice that comparing themselves to others has held them back. It sounds all too familiar.
After an initial consultation, we spend the majority of my first 90-minute session delving into recent comparisons I’ve made in my career, relationships and appearance. We talk about what they might mean, and how to reshape my thoughts around them. The focus of our conversation is on my social media use. A study by University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine found that the more time people spend on it, the higher their risk of depression. Rather than delete my apps, Sheridan tells me to let the ‘uncomfortable feelings’ of comparison they inspire – in my case, mainly envy – run through my system to stop them building up and reduce their frequency.
To do this, she recommends a clear-cut rule about ‘pre-wee scrolling’ – ie, no social media first thing while you’re still in bed. This, she says, sets you up for comparison – instead, I’m to start my mornings by writing a speedy gratitude letter imagining that my day has ended and being thankful for everything I’ve accomplished. I make a pledge to think about my social media usage more carefully, in particular, reducing it and following Sheridan’s instructions to mute anyone who triggers comparisons, and to use Pinterest over Instagram for home and style inspiration.
I sign out of Skype feeling like I’ve taken half a Valium, armed with some new tools to diffuse that envy bomb before it detonates. While I still find the constant posting of baby, home and engagement photos tiresome, Sheridan helps me realise that it’s because they reaffirm what I’m looking for in life. My switch to Pinterest from Instagram, for example, leaves me feeling inspired and creative without any of the usual envy or bad feelings around comparison.
One month on, I can already feel a lifetime of comparison starting to shift. After my four trial sessions, which cover everything from confronting my assumptions about others to building up my own self-belief, I realise I’ll always be someone who leans towards comparison – but I know it’s not my fault and that I can slowly override this conditioning. Most importantly, though, I’m also learning that the only path that should matter to me is my own – no matter how perfect everyone else’s looks.