‘My anxiety SOARED every time the guidelines changed’
Becoming a parent is an anxiety-inducing experience at the best of times. More than one in 10 women will experience a mental health problem during pregnancy or within the first year after having a baby.
But for the 160,000 women who gave birth during lockdown, the pandemic rendered the experience that they had spent months preparing for unrecognisable. In the space of a few days, the landscape of professional services changed entirely; many appointments went online and partners were no longer allowed to attend antenatal appointments or the early stages of labour. Take away the support networks that provide a lifeline to new parents, as the lockdown did, and it’s hardly surprising that new mothers are reporting significantly higher levels of anxiety and depression. In June, Canadian researchers found that the number of new mums reporting symptoms of depression increased from 15% pre-pandemic to 41%, while moderate to severe anxiety increased from 29% to 72%. ‘It was a simple question at an antenatal appointment that triggered the first panic attack of my life: ‘How do you feel about the birth?’ It was summer 2019 and I was nine weeks pregnant with my daughter. But with that question, I was transported back to the birth of my son, seven years earlier; a labour that left me with multiple organ failure and sepsis, on a ventilator in intensive care.
As a GP, I thought I was well equipped to cope in the weeks after that terrifying experience. But after months of feeling low and blaming myself, I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Because of the complications of the birth, a doctor advised my husband Sandesh and I against having more children.
So it was only when I unexpectedly fell pregnant again last year that the trauma resurfaced. Thankfully, the hospital recognised what was happening. I was diagnosed with birth trauma – the term used to describe PTSD after childbirth – and secondary PTSD. Weekly counselling helped me manage the panic attacks, and because I was a highrisk pregnancy due to the complications last time, it was agreed that I should have a C-section.
As the UK coronavirus cases rose, we realised my job was putting me at risk. At the start of March, I took an early maternity leave and, with Sandesh – also a GP – still working, we made the painful decision to socially distance at home. Sitting on the sofa, eight months pregnant, it occurred to me that this should be one of the most joyful times of my life. Instead, Sandesh was risking his life every day while our son wanted to know why his daddy couldn’t cuddle him. Meanwhile, my mental health was deteriorating.
I felt the anxiety in my body – my heart raced, I struggled to sleep – and it soared every time the guidelines for pregnant women changed. On the day of my C-section, I arrived at the hospital in tears.
When I was wheeled into theatre, Sandesh was allowed to stand two metres away from me, and he was there to watch our daughter, Ellora, arrive. As the doctor handed her to me, I felt my body relax. It was only now Ellora was here, healthy, that I could release my anxiety. In that moment, it felt like there was no such thing as coronavirus.
The first months of my daughter’s life have been difficult in a different way. Sandesh was needed at work and, because he was exposed to the virus, it was another three weeks before we felt it was safe enough for him to hold Ellora for the first time. It meant I was homeschooling our son by day and feeding our daughter at night, while their grandparents had no choice but to stay away.
Using the tools I’d learned during my counselling sessions, and with regular contact from my family, I’ve managed to stay mentally well. Whenever my mind began to slip into a state of panic, I’d recognise those unhelpful thoughts for what they were, and bring myself back to the present moment. I knew the signs to look out for – checking for low mood and energy levels – and asked my family to be alert to any changes in me, too.
So little is known about birth trauma, but it’s debilitating. Talking about just how debilitating it is has helped me, as has sharing my knowledge on Instagram (@drpunamkrishan) with other mums having ‘lockdown babies’. With the pandemic having robbed so many women of the pregnancy and birth they wanted, I only hope every mother gets the emotional support she needs.’ -
For information and support, visit maternalmental healthalliance.org